I don't know what happened, but some time in late August I was replaced with a person I have been calling Zen Tamra.
She says things like:
- "I don't think you should talk like that to your sister."
- "Rob, that tone was a little negative. Can we come back to this conversation at a later time?"
- "You look tired. Can I put the kids to bed tonight?"
- "It's inappropriate to talk to me like that. How about you go to your room and then you can come out when you're feeling nicer."
She doesn't say things like:
- "Oh, do you even want to go there? Really?!?"
- "Are you seriously suggesting that you do more around the house than I do?"
- "No. You're wrong. That was just stupid."
She doesn't yell. She doesn't get upset. She is patient and calm. She is ridiculously optimistic. She prays when she doesn't know the right thing to say. She smiles all the time. She's the type of person that would annoy me for always being so happy if I was the type of person to get annoyed, which apparently I'm not any more.
Pretty much, she's AWESOME.
...
Strange, isn't it?
I honestly have no idea where this person came from. I feel like it descended upon me like a lightning bolt. And I can't go back. There's this ... calmness about it all. Feeling like this is SO GREAT.
I hesitated to bring it up because I keep thinking it could all go away at any moment and then it'll be like, "Well, there it all went again. Back to normal." But it's been about a month now of feeling this way. The world is a very clear place. My motivations are pure and my mind is sharp and the world is a beautiful, wonderful place. There is optimism and love and even sappiness. Since when did I start embracing sappiness, I ask you?
So, hello, world. I am Zen Tamra. Nice to meet you!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Today
I didn't sleep well last night, which is odd. Normally I sleep great, even if I'm worried about something. Losing sleep is just not something I do.
But last night I wasn't feeling well, so I took drugs and went to bed early. The catch was that I still had a bunch of homework that needed done, so I had to wake up early. That's not something I normally do, but I figured I'd still be getting 8 hours of sleep, no problem. I was just shifting forward those 8 hours a little bit.
Well, it technically was 8 hours from the time I laid down until the time I got up, but I probably slept about half of it. Such is life.
Here's the good part of this story. I had been awake for about half an hour when Elijah walked out of his bedroom crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said he'd had a bad dream. He sat on the couch, watching me sign because he "didn't want to talk about it." Eventually it came out that in his dream I left the family. Just left. Elijah told me, in his dream, that I couldn't take anything with me, not even my clothes, because I was choosing to leave.
My little mommy heart just ached for him. I have scary dreams like that sometimes, and they feel real at the time, even if you know in your logical brain that they would never happen.
I imagine, though, what would have happened if I hadn't been up early. He would have come into my room and I would have been groggy and not at all sympathetic. I would have told him to go lay back down in his room or something. Instead, I was able to hug him and love on him before leaving for the day.
Which made it worth waking up early despite not sleeping well. Sometimes it's nice to be grateful for the little (but oh so important) things.
But last night I wasn't feeling well, so I took drugs and went to bed early. The catch was that I still had a bunch of homework that needed done, so I had to wake up early. That's not something I normally do, but I figured I'd still be getting 8 hours of sleep, no problem. I was just shifting forward those 8 hours a little bit.
Well, it technically was 8 hours from the time I laid down until the time I got up, but I probably slept about half of it. Such is life.
Here's the good part of this story. I had been awake for about half an hour when Elijah walked out of his bedroom crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said he'd had a bad dream. He sat on the couch, watching me sign because he "didn't want to talk about it." Eventually it came out that in his dream I left the family. Just left. Elijah told me, in his dream, that I couldn't take anything with me, not even my clothes, because I was choosing to leave.
My little mommy heart just ached for him. I have scary dreams like that sometimes, and they feel real at the time, even if you know in your logical brain that they would never happen.
I imagine, though, what would have happened if I hadn't been up early. He would have come into my room and I would have been groggy and not at all sympathetic. I would have told him to go lay back down in his room or something. Instead, I was able to hug him and love on him before leaving for the day.
Which made it worth waking up early despite not sleeping well. Sometimes it's nice to be grateful for the little (but oh so important) things.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
A Milestone and the Celebration!
Milestone
Today I would like to report on a MASSIVE life milestone. Rob and I paid off the huge student loan! That's right, $20,000 is finished. Done. Paid off. And considering that for the last couple years we were paying anywhere from $500 - $900 a MONTH on this loan, this is a huge relief to us.
We still have 4 other small ones to pay off, but I think we'll meet some other financial goals first. Like buying a new vehicle. And/or a new roof.
On top of that, Rob received a real raise. I consider it our FIRST real raise. It didn't come with working excessively longer hours, like his extra jobs do. So it's like free money. Combine that with how we just paid off that loan, and our financial life just got a whole lot easier.
We're super excited about it and would love if you were super excited for us, too! :)
Celebration
Even though we still have a little ways to go in terms of debt repayment, we took a short break from the grind and everyone chose a lifestyle upgrade. Here's what we all chose:
For the kids, we offered them a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to buy anything they wanted. And we told them that meant ANYthing. Yes, Miciah, you CAN get an iPod Touch. Yes, Elijah, you CAN get a DSi. And that toy you want, Tank, that I told you that you could beg for at Christmas time, it's yours. Miciah and Tank thought about it for about an hour and both of them came up with their final answer:
Miciah -
Harry Potter Lego Hogwarts Castle. She's been asking for it for years, but I've always balked at the price. I have to admit that it's a pretty neat set.
Tank -
The JLX OverDrive. It's All Terrain, which means it'll even go on water. It does really cool tricks and is pretty much the awesomest remote control vehicle ever. Also, he purchased OverDrive's baby cousin, the JLX MicroDrive, which is perfect for indoors.
Elijah, however, decided on a different toy about every 20 minutes. He was upset when I then told him he'd have to wait a day until I purchased him anything. He woke up saying, "Okay, I'll take a DSi, but can I change my mind when I'm at the store?" I told him he could, but the trick was that once we purchased something, that was IT.
While we were at the store he changed his mind another 5 times, and tried to tell me he wanted a $30 toy. This is probably the first time I ever have talked him up in price, and likely the last. I told him that I would probably be willing to buy him a $30 toy in the future, but a $100 toy was much less likely, so go for bigger! I went to go look at the DSi's and when we were in that section I looked around and said, "You can have a DSi or a 3DS or..." "Wait a second. I can have a 3DS?" "Yes!" The kid was sold. I don't know how he didn't realize that a 3DS was on the table.
So that's what he got. A 3DS and several games, which ended up being a hefty purchase. It was really sweet that afterwards he said, "Thanks, Mom. You spent a lot of money on us today." It was nice that he noticed.
We were happy to include the kids in the celebration, because they've sacrificed right along with us in this whole debt repayment thing (for a debt that isn't theirs, after all). They don't complain, they don't ask for much, and they're really, really great about everything. That's worth rewarding.
Tamra - I wanted new technology. We went for a mid-range laptop so we could buy 2 to replace both the ancient home computer and Rob's ancient laptop. I insisted on faster internet, which is a $5/month upgrade, and Caller ID and Call Waiting for our home phone. (The side effect of having Caller ID is that my phone anxiety has dropped by degrees of magnitude. I didn't realize how much I hated not knowing who was calling until my anxiety disappeared in less than 24 hours.)
I was toying with the idea of a tablet as well, but settled on the new laptop instead. Rob really only wanted to purchase the 1 laptop, but I told him that if we bought 2, I'd drop the tablet idea. The kids are thrilled that all those internet games that they want to play now actually work.
Rob - Rob wanted new shoes. That's it. A few days later, however, I insisted that he buy something that he really wants but would never purchase for himself. I knew he would tell me he didn't need it, so I said, "Rob, I want to buy you something, so I need you to say yes before you start objecting." He said, "No," and I said, "But I really, really want to buy it for you! So say yes and then I'll tell you what it is." He said "Yes," and then, when I told him what it was, he fought me for about an hour before finally hitting the Purchase button.
A way to play his music at work while he's running monotonous experiments. Plus it's got apps, so he can upgrade his ancient Palm Pilot (I bet you didn't know that people still used those, huh?). ... It's basically a smart phone without the mandatory monthly data package.
Family - And lastly, a mid-range 32' flat screen TV. We brought it home and the kids said, "Why didn't you buy a bigger one?" Seriously? It's like twice the size of our old TV! We can now read the print in movies and see the scores while watching a game and see all 4 carts when the screen splits 4 ways in MarioKart Wii.
So we have now rocketed ourselves into the modern tech era. We'd delayed so many tech purchases that we had a lot of money to spend to get us mostly current. Not that technology brings happiness, but it does bring more ease and less frustration, and that's nice.
Hurray for paying off debt!
Today I would like to report on a MASSIVE life milestone. Rob and I paid off the huge student loan! That's right, $20,000 is finished. Done. Paid off. And considering that for the last couple years we were paying anywhere from $500 - $900 a MONTH on this loan, this is a huge relief to us.
We still have 4 other small ones to pay off, but I think we'll meet some other financial goals first. Like buying a new vehicle. And/or a new roof.
On top of that, Rob received a real raise. I consider it our FIRST real raise. It didn't come with working excessively longer hours, like his extra jobs do. So it's like free money. Combine that with how we just paid off that loan, and our financial life just got a whole lot easier.
We're super excited about it and would love if you were super excited for us, too! :)
Celebration
Even though we still have a little ways to go in terms of debt repayment, we took a short break from the grind and everyone chose a lifestyle upgrade. Here's what we all chose:
For the kids, we offered them a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to buy anything they wanted. And we told them that meant ANYthing. Yes, Miciah, you CAN get an iPod Touch. Yes, Elijah, you CAN get a DSi. And that toy you want, Tank, that I told you that you could beg for at Christmas time, it's yours. Miciah and Tank thought about it for about an hour and both of them came up with their final answer:
Miciah -
Tank -
The JLX OverDrive. It's All Terrain, which means it'll even go on water. It does really cool tricks and is pretty much the awesomest remote control vehicle ever. Also, he purchased OverDrive's baby cousin, the JLX MicroDrive, which is perfect for indoors.
Elijah, however, decided on a different toy about every 20 minutes. He was upset when I then told him he'd have to wait a day until I purchased him anything. He woke up saying, "Okay, I'll take a DSi, but can I change my mind when I'm at the store?" I told him he could, but the trick was that once we purchased something, that was IT.
While we were at the store he changed his mind another 5 times, and tried to tell me he wanted a $30 toy. This is probably the first time I ever have talked him up in price, and likely the last. I told him that I would probably be willing to buy him a $30 toy in the future, but a $100 toy was much less likely, so go for bigger! I went to go look at the DSi's and when we were in that section I looked around and said, "You can have a DSi or a 3DS or..." "Wait a second. I can have a 3DS?" "Yes!" The kid was sold. I don't know how he didn't realize that a 3DS was on the table.
So that's what he got. A 3DS and several games, which ended up being a hefty purchase. It was really sweet that afterwards he said, "Thanks, Mom. You spent a lot of money on us today." It was nice that he noticed.
We were happy to include the kids in the celebration, because they've sacrificed right along with us in this whole debt repayment thing (for a debt that isn't theirs, after all). They don't complain, they don't ask for much, and they're really, really great about everything. That's worth rewarding.
Tamra - I wanted new technology. We went for a mid-range laptop so we could buy 2 to replace both the ancient home computer and Rob's ancient laptop. I insisted on faster internet, which is a $5/month upgrade, and Caller ID and Call Waiting for our home phone. (The side effect of having Caller ID is that my phone anxiety has dropped by degrees of magnitude. I didn't realize how much I hated not knowing who was calling until my anxiety disappeared in less than 24 hours.)
I was toying with the idea of a tablet as well, but settled on the new laptop instead. Rob really only wanted to purchase the 1 laptop, but I told him that if we bought 2, I'd drop the tablet idea. The kids are thrilled that all those internet games that they want to play now actually work.
Rob - Rob wanted new shoes. That's it. A few days later, however, I insisted that he buy something that he really wants but would never purchase for himself. I knew he would tell me he didn't need it, so I said, "Rob, I want to buy you something, so I need you to say yes before you start objecting." He said, "No," and I said, "But I really, really want to buy it for you! So say yes and then I'll tell you what it is." He said "Yes," and then, when I told him what it was, he fought me for about an hour before finally hitting the Purchase button.
A way to play his music at work while he's running monotonous experiments. Plus it's got apps, so he can upgrade his ancient Palm Pilot (I bet you didn't know that people still used those, huh?). ... It's basically a smart phone without the mandatory monthly data package.
Family - And lastly, a mid-range 32' flat screen TV. We brought it home and the kids said, "Why didn't you buy a bigger one?" Seriously? It's like twice the size of our old TV! We can now read the print in movies and see the scores while watching a game and see all 4 carts when the screen splits 4 ways in MarioKart Wii.
So we have now rocketed ourselves into the modern tech era. We'd delayed so many tech purchases that we had a lot of money to spend to get us mostly current. Not that technology brings happiness, but it does bring more ease and less frustration, and that's nice.
Hurray for paying off debt!
Monday, September 10, 2012
Writing Stories Can Be Hard
Speaking of school, this came home today and I thought it was awesome:
"I can do it!" says Stick Figure Teancom.
Hello, Blog
It seems like there's so much to write down at this point that I don't know where to start. It's like when you pick back up your journal after so long and you've missed so much time that you can't sum it all up, or even mention all the things you want to, so you just set the journal back down without writing anything. Like that.
Here's a snipet on how things are going for all of us, School Edition.
ROB
He has started teaching for his fall semester at NKU (in person) and UC (on-line). For some reason it feels like a lot of work for him right this minute and is a smidgen overwhelming. Being the completely sympathetic person that I am, I looked at him and said, "But you signed up for all of that." Yep. Take notes. I'm pretty awesome.
TAMRA
All the Ohio colleges and universities are now all on a semester schedule. 3 equal-length semesters a year. Most of the students at Cincinnati State are freaking out about this, but 16 weeks is what I did at BYU, so it doesn't stress me out. It also means that Rob's teaching schedule and my school schedule will line up from now on, which makes it easy to remember.
School is going GREAT! My Practicum experience (where I get hands-on interpreting practice) is super fun and I look forward to every minute. I am finally getting practice in all the areas of interpreting, both from ASL-to-English and English-to-ASL. I love it. I am currently exceeding expectations, which I like so long as I can maintain it.
Also, I receive a ton of genuine compliments from mentors, teachers, and fellow students. I don't let it go to my head, because cocky people are pricks, but I have to be honest: Receiving compliments like that is REALLY awesome. It just makes me feel good. Because, that's right, I DO excel at something.
MICIAH
Just started 5th grade, her last at the elementary school. She has asked to sign up for Choir, Orchestra, and some Lego Building Club. On top of that, she'll still be doing piano (which hasn't started again yet, but should soon) and all her homework.
And on top of THAT, she's still a super great person and we enjoy her a lot. You guys should see what she created with Tank for his Halloween costume. Seriously. It's cool.
ELIJAH
Just started 3rd grade, and he has a male teacher this year, which is exciting. I'm hopeful that the teacher will see him as a Normal Boy instead of a disobedient child who can't bother to sit still and listen to directions.
We're working with Elijah on communicating his needs so that he doesn't get so disappointed all the time. That kid can internalize rejection better than anyone I know (except his father, who is also a pro)!
TANK
Just started 1st grade, which is full day, and he typically comes home exhausted. It's been difficult for him to stay happy. He definitely tries my patience. But he seems to love school, and he adores his teacher, so I think things can only get better. He's getting more used to the idea that someday he'll need and actually WANT to read for himself. Remember, he's the kid that didn't mind being held instead of walking until he was almost 5. It's kind of a general life trend for him.
So there you go. Nothing of interest, I guess, but that's our life in a nutshell!
Here's a snipet on how things are going for all of us, School Edition.
ROB
He has started teaching for his fall semester at NKU (in person) and UC (on-line). For some reason it feels like a lot of work for him right this minute and is a smidgen overwhelming. Being the completely sympathetic person that I am, I looked at him and said, "But you signed up for all of that." Yep. Take notes. I'm pretty awesome.
TAMRA
All the Ohio colleges and universities are now all on a semester schedule. 3 equal-length semesters a year. Most of the students at Cincinnati State are freaking out about this, but 16 weeks is what I did at BYU, so it doesn't stress me out. It also means that Rob's teaching schedule and my school schedule will line up from now on, which makes it easy to remember.
School is going GREAT! My Practicum experience (where I get hands-on interpreting practice) is super fun and I look forward to every minute. I am finally getting practice in all the areas of interpreting, both from ASL-to-English and English-to-ASL. I love it. I am currently exceeding expectations, which I like so long as I can maintain it.
Also, I receive a ton of genuine compliments from mentors, teachers, and fellow students. I don't let it go to my head, because cocky people are pricks, but I have to be honest: Receiving compliments like that is REALLY awesome. It just makes me feel good. Because, that's right, I DO excel at something.
MICIAH
Just started 5th grade, her last at the elementary school. She has asked to sign up for Choir, Orchestra, and some Lego Building Club. On top of that, she'll still be doing piano (which hasn't started again yet, but should soon) and all her homework.
And on top of THAT, she's still a super great person and we enjoy her a lot. You guys should see what she created with Tank for his Halloween costume. Seriously. It's cool.
ELIJAH
Just started 3rd grade, and he has a male teacher this year, which is exciting. I'm hopeful that the teacher will see him as a Normal Boy instead of a disobedient child who can't bother to sit still and listen to directions.
We're working with Elijah on communicating his needs so that he doesn't get so disappointed all the time. That kid can internalize rejection better than anyone I know (except his father, who is also a pro)!
TANK
Just started 1st grade, which is full day, and he typically comes home exhausted. It's been difficult for him to stay happy. He definitely tries my patience. But he seems to love school, and he adores his teacher, so I think things can only get better. He's getting more used to the idea that someday he'll need and actually WANT to read for himself. Remember, he's the kid that didn't mind being held instead of walking until he was almost 5. It's kind of a general life trend for him.
So there you go. Nothing of interest, I guess, but that's our life in a nutshell!
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