October 29, 2000 – Grandma and Grandpa D’s Combined B-day Party

October 29, 2000 – Grandma and Grandpa D’s Combined B-day Party

This was my first “meet the family” session. Every one of Rob's aunts on the D's side was there and all their families. I was a little worried about how they’d like me and how they’d treat me, but I had already met Becky and Grandma D, so I wasn’t too worried about it.

I only remember one thing about this night. Grandma D yelled at Rob for not telling her sooner that we were engaged. She called him rude and asked if he had been this rude on his mission, cause if he had been, he never would have had anyone to teach because he was so rude. Rude? Not telling her we were engaged? Rudeness is telling someone off because they didn’t tell you that they were engaged. All I could think was that she needed a lesson on what real rudeness is. And then she turned to me and said, “You better keep him in line.” And she walked off. I was appalled and confused. Did we know the same Rob Thacker? The kindest, gentlest, least rude person in the world? Rob just said some line about how that’s just how Grandma D is and I wondered how people put up with her.

Since then we’ve become friends, her and I. It took a little patience on both our parts, a little understanding on my part to be tolerant, and a little understanding on her part to not push the line. I let her know that if she scratched, I would bite and I would win. I didn’t do anything rude, I just don’t put up with her telling off the people I love. It also took a lot of prayer and service on my part. I needed a softer heart to see how good and kind and wonderful Grandma D is. She has a heart of gold.

written Spring 2006

October 27, 2000 – Halloween Dance

October 27, 2000 – Halloween Dance

The Halloween Dance was with our ward and a few others. It was fun. Rob and I, of course, went as a couple and I was dressed up in my Navy sailor outfit that I adore and Rob, I think, was just in jeans and a white shirt. I don’t think he had a costume. Who brings a Halloween costume to college with them? But it was SO FUN to dance with Rob again. We did a lot of swing stuff that we couldn’t do the week before at Homecoming because I was in a long dress that didn’t really allow me to move like that. So we danced and danced and Rob sweated and sweated.

I remember that one guy came up to me to dance with me while Rob was doing something else like going to the bathroom or something. The guy was apparently a dancer on one of the BYU dance teams, and he was pretty quick to let you know that. He told me that he had seen me dancing and obviously I was pretty good. I laughed and told him that I didn’t know any dance moves at all, and Rob had been teaching me. Really, Rob looks good and I get to benefit from that. He was not impressed and essentially stopped talking to me right then, which made the rest of the song a little awkward. I just thought, “I don’t care. I’m here with the guy I’m going to marry and that’s not you.”

Once Rob and I were engaged, real life seemed to hit me and our courtship slowed down a lot. We were still together nearly everyday all day, but it wasn’t the same going out and doing things that it had been before. Now we had to think about realistic things like me getting a pre-marital check-up with a GYN, and us finding an apartment, and what would our finances be like after we were married, and finding a reception hall for the wedding, and were we going to start trying immediately to have kids or would we wait. Real life is not near as exciting as the rollercoaster, heart-on-a-platter, falling-in-love romance. But it does have to be dealt with, none-the-less.

So we dealt with real life. We found an apartment at King Henry (the smallest apartment you’ve ever seen) and I put down the money for it. We decided I would have to get a job after we got married, so we could survive life. I had not previously had a job while attending college. And I started frantically making wedding plans, which is no fun at all. I put Rob’s mom in charge of the reception in Ohio, my parents in charge of whatever they wanted to do in California, and I asked J to help with the reception in Utah and the wedding announcements. She was the only person I knew who had been married somewhat recently and had done all the reception stuff, plus she said she could help make announcements. Coordinating all these efforts was a monstrous task and I probably didn’t help matters, since I was so stressed out about all of it plus going to school that I about shut down. I would play Tetris on the old school original Nintendo that Chanel had brought with her from home. I would play for hours and hours and hours. I got really good: Level 18, Line 182. I don’t know of anyone who has done better [comment from Oct. 2008: and I've beat that by 10 lines since then]. And I was on the phone almost constantly, much to the annoyance of my roommates who could never use it because I was always on it. There was just so much to do.

And the idea of having to talk to Rob, this man I had only known for 2 months, about things like kids and sex and school was really weird to me. Of course I knew when we were married, those things would come, but talking to Rob about it was awkward for me. We had only known each other a short time, and while we were attracted to each other and kissed and things, our relationship was not sexual and so it was odd thinking about it in those terms. But we talked anyway because we needed to. We decided that we would put off trying for children until I had finished school. This was obviously the wisest decision to make. I knew in my heart that I would not be able to accomplish going to school and raising a child, so it was one or the other. And though I agreed to that decision, deep down I wondered about it. Were we really supposed to wait? But that’s what we decided, so it was fine. And it really did make sense.

So I went to the GYN that J suggested. I didn’t like him at all, but I did like the nurse I saw. It was my first pap smear and that part I didn’t mind so much as what the nurse had to do to figure out my uterus is tipped. That was very painful and I think I was saying ‘ow’ for about half an hour afterwards. The GYN brought Rob in from the waiting room where he was waiting through the exam so he could talk to us about which kinds of birth control there are and also so he could talk to us about sex. Again, awkward. He gave us a little phamplet book thing that he had co-authored about sex and marriage. He asked us both to read it individually so we would know what to expect. It was more information than I wanted to know, but it was helpful to not go in blind. Though I don’t think I was blind about it all. Anyways. Rob and I decided in the doctor’s office to start me on the pill. I would start it in a few days to time my period right for the wedding and have it be effective by the time we needed it to be. Fine, fine.

But it wasn’t fine. Those few days were some of the longest of my life. I have recorded this story in several other places, so I will give the short version here. I felt Miciah’s presence. Not that I knew it was Miciah, but I knew it was my first child. And the child was always there. This weighed on me and weighed on me. The child wasn’t a pest, he or she just wanted me to know they were there and they wanted to come down as quickly as possible. The child was always smiling and would very gently and sweetly say, “Mom.” I would sometimes say, “What?” in response. There never was a response, just that same smile. I remember one instance in particular in my room, looking up at the ceiling and saying, “Stop. I get it. I know you’re there. Just leave me alone. I have to study,” or something to that effect. My roommate must have thought I was crazy. I knew I wasn’t crazy, and I knew that we couldn’t delay having children. Not with this child so desperately wanting to come down to us.

But how could I bring that up with Rob? He knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to tell him what it was. I thought he would be disappointed in me for going back on the decision. It was the day before I was to start taking the birth control, so we needed to talk. We talked, though Rob had to coax just about everything out of me. I told him I felt this presence and I couldn’t shake it, but the light in my eyes was gone and I couldn’t function without it and I just wanted to cry and, and, and. It’s a little funny now to think about. And that spirit is still how my sweet daughter, Miciah, is today. Nice and sweet, but insistent to get her way. … I felt like my life would end if we didn’t make the right decision, so Rob very sweetly offered a prayer. And after this prayer we knew what decision we needed to make. I was so grateful that Rob was understanding and wanted to listen to the Lord. He had not felt the same impressions as I had, but he trusted me and he trusted the Lord, though neither of us knew how we would make this work.

Rob: I am very grateful for this experience. I believe it established a pattern in our marriage that we have tried to follow. We knew we could receive answers from our Father in Heaven. He was interested in our marriage. I also hoped it help Tamra know that she could and should approach me about any concerns she ever had. The answer that evening was very strong. There was no question in my mind what our course of action needed to be.

Of course we know how this story ends. We were married and 10 short months later Miciah joined our family. I knew from the beginning that she was full of a love for life and that she wanted to be on earth at this time in our family. And it’s awful nice to know all that. Looking back on how life has gone, I can’t imagine if we had waited. We did the right thing for us and that’s also nice to know. When people find out how soon Miciah joined our family, they will occasionally ask if she was unplanned or a “mistake” as it’s sometimes put. It almost makes me want to laugh. If they only knew how insistent she was to get down here. And it is nice to answer, with full conviction, that no, just the opposite, she was asking to come down. Why did we have Miciah so early in our marriage? Because it’s what Miciah wanted, and what the Lord wanted for us.

written Spring 2006

Pictures Pre-Marriage

This is one of my favorite pictures of Rob. Seems like it's his BYU ID picture, but I don't remember what it was for.


Except for C, B & J, and L & J, who lived in Utah, my family hadn't met Rob. (I took him home to CA to meet my folks for Thanksgiving.) B took these pictures on his camera to send to the family. These are from some time in October, 2000. We were probably engaged already, so late October, I'd say.

(written June 2008)

Tamra

October 19, 20, and 21, 2000 – Homecoming Weekend

October 19, 20, and 21, 2000 – Homecoming Weekend

Rob performed with the Men’s Chorus for the Homecoming Spectacular on Thursday and Friday. I went to see him one of those days. I don’t remember much about it, and what I think I remember could be a combination of about 3 years of going to the Spectacular. I might have gone with Lorelie; I might have done that the year before. Rob might have joined me for the last half of the show; that might have been one of the years after. I don’t remember. But I’m sure, either way, that I walked home with Rob that night.

Rob had been really wanting to go to Homecoming. I’m not sure why, he just likes Homecoming. So we went with B and his date (I don’t remember her name) and Rob’s old companion from his mission, Jeff W, and his fiancé sort of. I have blocked out their names as a means of self-preservation. I was not a fan of him. First, he was goofy looking. Second, he was engaged to this girl, but not really. He hadn’t officially proposed, but they both knew he was going to eventually. So she was his fiancé but not quite. This caused me to dislike him a lot and feel sorry for her for taking it. Obviously this was not the kind of guy that I would marry.

Anyways, the night started with all 6 of us at my apartment. Rob made dinner for us. Maybe all the guys did, I don’t remember. But I do remember that Rob tried to make us the closest version of quark that he could come up with, without having quark on-hand. I was not impressed with it. Nor with the description: “Like yogurt but thicker and it coats the inside of your mouth and teeth. You have to add a lot of sugar to it to make it good.” Well, why not just eat yogurt then? It wasn’t bad, though, and the meal was pleasant.

Rob seemed to really like my dress. I wore the army green dress with embroidered flowers all down the front. It’s very pretty but not actually my size, so I wear it with a string for a belt. It was also one of the first times that Rob had seen me all decked out in make-up, too. It was nice to see that Rob was enchanted with me. When I don’t dress up often, it’s nice to see it rewarded so nicely.

The dance we went to was in Spanish Fork, I think. We got to ride on a horse-drawn “carriage” as it was advertised. Really, it was a horse pulling a big wagon (like the kind that you put hay on for hayrides) and they went around a block or two.

Rob: They did only go around a block or two but it was not a hay ride. Girls were in formals so it was better than a hay ride wagon. It was a small carriage. I thought it was kind of fun.

It was lame and we waited in line way too long for something so lame. But it was fun to be at the dance with my fiancé and watch him burn up the dance floor. Rob is good. B was a little jealous, I think, of Rob stealing the show. It’s not that Rob means to do it, his personality just tends to take over things. I enjoyed all Rob’s spunky craziness. And I loved wearing my ring, which we had finally gotten back from the jewelers that day.

written Spring 2006

October 16, 2000 – Purchased the Rings

October 16, 2000 – Purchased the Rings

Homecoming was the coming-up weekend and Rob and I were going. So the weekend was out for picking out rings. So we went to the mall on a Monday to get our wedding rings. My proposal had been so spur-of-the-moment that I didn’t have rings to present to Rob. Besides, can a girl pick out her own wedding ring to put on her finger? I wanted Rob to be with me as we made this decision. Because it was OUR decision and that’s how it should be (not my decision and not his, but ours).

After going to just about every jewelry store in the mall and realizing that most rings look the same, I finally figured out what I wanted. I didn’t want to have to go into debt for these rings. I’m sure Rob would have been okay with doing that, but I was not. Why start our marriage in debt over a piece of jewelry? And I also had never wanted a diamond. How cliché. So we decided on matching bands and found two that weren’t the same but close and they were beautiful. The ring I really wanted for me was the gold with the platinum one and to give Rob the three colors of gold one. The platinum ring was bold! But as it turns out, the tri-gold ring looked better on me and the bold look was great for Rob. The tri-gold ring on Rob made him look too femmy.

The only problem with my ring was that it was a man’s band. Size 10. Rob’s was almost perfectly sized, but mine needed some major adjusting. We were sent to a jeweler who makes his own jewelry. My ring was flat and I wanted it to stay flat because I liked the look of it and it matched Rob’s. But for him to size it down to a 7, he’d have to either take out one or two sections of the gold pieces and throw the pattern off or squeeze it down and round it. We decided to round it. Slightly disappointing for me, but again, the ring was just a ring.

The bummer about the whole re-sizing thing was that I didn’t have a ring for a week! No one believed me that I was engaged. I had been telling my friends for so long that I wanted to marry Rob that when I came to class and told them I was engaged to him, they just said, “Yeah, right.” No, really! Where’s your ring? I needed the ring. And there was the debate: Should Rob wear his ring? I wanted him to. If it’s just a symbol, wasn’t Rob now just as “taken” as he would be after we had the wedding day? And should I wear my ring? I wanted to. But we had a few people tell us that since it was a wedding band and not an engagement ring I shouldn’t wear it until the wedding day. I thought that was ridiculous. So we compromised. I wore my ring (when I got it back re-sized), and occasionally Rob would wear his ring, just because I asked.

written Spring 2006

October 15, 2000 – We’re Engaged!

October 15, 2000 – We’re Engaged!

Sunday was a long day. I remember in church talking to one of Rob’s FHE sisters, I don’t remember her name. But she asked if Rob and I were going to get married. I told her it was definitely headed that way. She was excited for me, though not as excited as I was for me!

Sunday night Rob was at my apartment just hanging out. He decided he wanted to leave early so that he could get to bed earlier than we’d been getting to bed. I think it was around 10:30 p.m. when he started to walk out of the apartment. I practically begged him to stay. Our usual routine was to be in my apartment until curfew (10 on weekdays and 11 on weeknights, if I remember right) and then out in the hallway until the building curfew (11 on weeknights and midnight on weekends). So we moved out into the hallway. I objected the whole time and he was telling me about how tired he was and that he had to work insanely early (he had to wake up at like 4:00 a.m.). He’d been falling asleep in his classes and not been performing up to par. He needed sleep. I told him I didn’t want him to go. By this time we were in the laundry room in the basement of Bowen Hall. He said, “You know I need to go.” I said, “I don’t want you to leave.” He said maybe someday he wouldn’t have to leave. I told him, “I don’t mean tonight. I don’t want you to go ever.” He kind of half-smiled and said, “Tamra T------, are you proposing to me?” I grabbed him by the collar and shook him a little as I almost shouted, “Yes. I want to marry you!”

Very romantic, huh? There were bras hanging up in the laundry room, something we still joke about. And my method of asking wasn’t exactly suave. But I knew what I wanted and so I asked my question.

Rob then closed his eyes while we were standing there. I said, “I’ve never proposed to anyone before. Is this a good sign?” He said, “Shh. I’m praying.” Oh. Oops. I was super nervous. I almost wanted to say, “No! Don’t pray! Just say yes!” But I didn’t. I knew I wanted this to be right, even if that meant losing Rob. I think it was the longest prayer he’s ever said, or at least it seemed that way to me. Finally he opened his eyes and said, “I’ll marry you if you’ll marry me.”

I was so happy! And then, after this moment of elation, suddenly reality set in. When? Where? What details? My goodness. It was a little bit of a let down to have to think about reality after riding in the clouds. But of course reality has to be taken care of. We didn’t decide much that night.

I went back into my apartment and said, “I’m engaged!” They were all so happy for me and immediately got down a calendar and told me which times would work for them and which wouldn’t. In the end, I scheduled a bad time for two of them, but whose wedding was this anyway? It was cute that they were so supportive. And then I called my parents. It was almost midnight by the time my phone call reached them. So they were asleep. I just figured something like an engagement shouldn’t wait until morning. Dad picked up the phone. I told him I was engaged! If you want someone to reacted excitedly, don’t pick my dad as that person. He said, “Great. Change your mind and call me back in the morning.”

written Spring 2006

October 14, 2000 – That Look in Rob’s Eyes

October 14, 2000 – That Look in Rob’s Eyes

Ever since the week before when we had decided to go forward with the relationship, Rob had a certain look in his eyes. I was pretty sure that look meant he was getting ready to ask me to marry him. I also knew he hadn’t gone to the temple yet and I knew he wanted to take the decision there to think and ponder about it. I was trying to be patient and wait for him to go to the temple so he could come back and ask me to marry him.

But I was a little scared about all this. Not about marrying Rob, but about Rob for some reason not wanting to marry me. I remember telling him one day that I was afraid that Rob’s train would leave and I would miss it (okay, maybe it was worded differently than that, but I remember using the analogy of a train). And I remember Rob looking at me straight in the eye and saying, “Well, then get on.” Oh. Okay. I also told him that same day (obviously it must have been earlier in this week, like October 10th or 11th or something like that) that marrying him would be like a dream come true. And he said, “I’m not in this to make your dreams come true.” He told me he wanted to marry someone who wanted the same things in life that he wanted. And what does he want? To serve the Lord all his days. Not a bad goal. I remember thinking, “I can do that.”

So obviously we could both feel marriage on the horizon. So Saturday night after coming home from wherever we were, we stood outside those back entrance stairs and talked. I told him he had this look in his eyes and had for the last two weeks (I remember thinking it was two weeks, but obviously according to the calendar, it couldn’t possibly have been. It was only a week). I asked him what it meant. I asked Rob point blank because I wanted him to ask me to marry him. He said the look in his eyes was a question he wanted to ask me, but he didn’t feel quite ready to ask me yet. “But, hypothetically speaking, what would you say?” I remember wanting to laugh at that, but being so excited because obviously I knew what that question was and I wanted nothing more than to hear him say it. I said, “Should I pretend I don’t know what the question is?” No. But what would you say? “Well,” I said, “I’d have to think about it and pray about it.”

Of course I WANTED to shout out, “Heck yeah, and let’s get married tomorrow!” But I had learned a little in my relationship with Rob. I knew that I wanted to do this the right way. I had been praying for weeks now (again, it could be shorter than that) if I should marry Rob or not, or telling Heavenly Father that I wanted to marry Rob. And every time I would get the same answer: Rob has to make his decision first. This answer annoyed me and made me impatient. How unfair that Rob had to decide first and I was forced to wait for that decision. But I knew that’s how it should be. (Rob’s patriarchal blessing, I later found out, said that he would pick his wife and not the other way around. So my answers, then, made sense. I just didn’t realize it at the time.) So I hadn’t actually received my answer if I should marry Rob or not. I knew I wanted to. I knew I wanted to SO BADLY. But I did not yet know if this was God’s will or not. So I told Rob I’d have to pray about it. He thought that was a good answer and we parted that night and left it at that.

I walked into my apartment that night again on Cloud 9. I told my roommates that I so wanted to just propose to Rob. And I remember them saying, “Well, then do it.” And that’s probably the first time I took that idea seriously. (I’d always wanted to propose to a guy. I practiced a hundred times on JH, thinking that I’d never get a chance in real life to do it. He always knew they were a gag. In fact, sometimes I would play break off a relationship just to make a more dramatic engagement story. I think JH liked it. One time he almost thought I was serious. I used a real ring box and acted real serious about it. But the ring box was full of paper or paperclips or something like that. I think he was relieved that I didn’t actually pop the question.)

And that night I prayed. And I knew almost instantly that it was good and right to marry Rob. Now that he had made his decision, I could make mine and my decision was Yes!!

There’s a little more to my side of the story than this, though. My patriarchal blessing says that I should be patient in waiting to meet the right man to marry. It says he will be a righteous priesthood holder. It says he will love and cherish me. And it says that I should wait upon the voice of the Lord regarding my future husband. So I got serious about finding out what “the voice of the Lord” sounds like. I bought a book by Elder Henry B. Eyring entitled, “To Draw Nearer to God.” It talks about listening for the voice of the Lord. It says that the Spirit is the voice of the Lord and that no more evidence was needed than this. If we were in actuality to hear the Lord or see Him, we would know no better than listening to the witness of the Spirit. Before learning this principle, I had assumed I would need to have an earth-shattering experience. I would need to see lightning and hear a big booming voice. But the voice of the Lord is the Spirit and it is peace. And so I knew that night, after study and fervent prayer, that I had heard the voice of the Lord regarding my future husband: I would marry Rob.

written Spring 2006

October 13, 2000 – Ward Talent Show

October 13, 2000 – Ward Talent Show

Not much happened at the Ward Talent Show. I read one of my works: For Those With Non Talent Show Talents. Rob was one of the main Activities Committee members, so he was in charge of putting it on, so he didn’t perform. He just moved pianos and stuff. One of my roommates, Chanel, turned to me and said, “Your boyfriend has a nice butt.” I agreed with her. I still remember Rob was wearing his white ribbed shirt and jeans. He’s so good looking. And I’ve always liked his butt.

Incidentally, I was under Rob in my calling. Rob was the Activities Committee Chair over service. I got called to the activities committee and all of us got a choice as to where we wanted to serve. I don’t remember what all the groups were, but there were three groups and I chose to go with service. I remember that meeting for a few reasons. First, I was pretty upset when people assumed I was choosing service because Rob was over that area. I debated choosing service because I knew that’s what people would think. But that’s not why I chose it. In fact, Rob being over that group was a reason why NOT to choose that, because I knew my intentions would be misinterpreted.

The other reasons I remember that meeting have to do with Rob. I remember asking Rob if I could see his planner. His planner is bright blue, red, and yellow, not the kind of planner I’d expect to see in Rob’s hands. I was impressed. And I remember what happened after the meeting. We were in the basement and before we walked upstairs I told Rob that I didn’t choose to be in his group because of him. He said he knew that. And then we walked up the stairs. I’m sure we were still flirting. I walked up right before him and he used that planner to give me a playful swat on the butt. I was not happy. I turned to him and chewed him out. “Why did you do that?” Rob didn’t say anything. “Why did you do that?” He said, “I dunno. I was just playing.” I told him that my personal space was my personal space and he wasn’t invited into it. I let him know that I did not think that was funny and I expected him to never do something like that again. … Rob was floored. I think he was apologizing to me for weeks. It was funny. But I set the standard that day and I have not ever regretted doing so. Rob knew where I stood and what I would and would not tolerate. There can’t be anything bad about that.

Actually, when I went to my temple recommend interview with Bishop Freeze, he asked if there was anything inappropriate in my relationship with Rob. I told him there wasn’t and told him that story. He laughed and said that was a little over the top, maybe. But that’s a better reaction than what I would have received if Rob and I had things to work out with a Priesthood holder.

written Spring 2006

October 7, 2000 – Moving on Ahead

October 7, 2000 – Moving on Ahead

I remember the night being really long. I was anxious to hear what Rob had decided and felt several times like calling and asking how it went. Rob and I had to get together that day for something, I don’t remember what (he might have just been going somewhere and I followed him out the door and walked him to his car or something). But I remember we were walking out of the apartment and were in the space between his door and the outside door when we talked. He told me that he had decided to pursue the relationship to see where it went. He didn’t know if that meant marriage, but he was willing to see the relationship through. I told him I felt the same way. We both felt that maybe we were moving toward marriage, but we weren’t sure yet.

I was so happy! I remember telling him, “Good. Because if you had come back and said you’d decided on AO, I would have been so ticked off.”

So again, our relationship was given the green light.

By this point in my life I had started telling people that it was my new goal in life to marry Rob Thacker. I couldn’t stop thinking about him or talking about him and I’m sure my friends were very annoyed.

written Spring 2006

October 6, 2000 – I Say ‘I Love You, Too’

October 6, 2000 – I Say ‘I Love You, Too’

So I prepared myself for the only decision Rob would make that I thought I would have to be prepared for: "I choose AO." It was a little sad to me that this man I had pursued so hard and had fallen in love with at first ping-pong game was about to slip away from me. But I found strength in my preparation. I realized that if Rob didn’t want me, then I didn’t want him, either.

He happened to have a Choir Retreat on Friday and wasn’t home until late. I couldn’t wait to talk to him and say my bit. Finally it came time to talk and we talked for a while. I sat down with him in the hallway/lobby outside his apartment and I told him what I’d come to. I told him that if he didn’t want me then I didn’t care, because I was confident in myself and wanted someone who wanted me. I also told him that AO was horrible for him and he knew it. I said, “Your family knows it, you know it, and I know it.” I told him that yes, I did love him, and I didn’t want to lose him. But if he didn’t want a relationship with me than get out now cause it’d be easier now than later. And I told him that I didn’t care at this point if he came back and told me that I wasn’t the one he was interested in. I would be okay with that. But he BETTER NOT tell me that he felt good about AO. He seemed impressed that I came back so strong.

So I went home and waited, hoping that Rob wanted me.

Rob: This was the night that I was baptized by fire. I had been so mixed up. AO’s mother had been calling me. I had called AO several times. The last conversation I had with AO she had told me that she knew something I didn’t know, but that she couldn’t tell me yet what it was. Really, I had become so smitten with AO over the previous summer that I was blinded to how I really felt around her. I wasn’t myself. She had burned me several times. I had put a lot of prayer and emotional energy into trying to make her happy and she didn’t want any part of it. Tamra helped me realize this.

After our conversation I went in to my room. I knelt by my bedside and knew I needed an answer. I began talking to my Father in Heaven. I shared with Him my feelings about these two young women that I felt were special. As my conversation with Him continued my thoughts and heart all began turning to focus on Tamra. Thoughts of AO dwindled and died. Thoughts of Tamra grew and my heart was filled with fire from above. I knew.

written Spring 2006

October 5, 2000 – Jazz Concert and ‘I Love Two Girls’

October 5, 2000 – Jazz Concert and ‘I Love Two Girls’

Rob and I went to the BYU Jazz Concert. One of his roommates, Rhett, performed in it, but that’s not why we went.

On the way home, I was having enough strong feelings for Rob that I felt ready to say those three little words that mean so much. So I was standing with Rob near the stairs to his apartment and I told him I was about ready in our relationship to tell him something. So he knew what I was going to say. And he said, “Before you say that, I have something to tell you.” We sat down on the steps and talked for over an hour, I’m sure, perhaps much longer than that. I remember Rhett had time to walk by us with his instrument in tow and some of his roommates walked back out the door, too. I know it was past 11:00 p.m. when we finished our conversation.

But Rob sat me down and told me about AO. I’m not dumb and completely non-observant, so I had already put some things together about AO. I knew Rob had driven a girl up to Ricks (now BYU-Idaho) and dropped her off. I knew that he had “a friend” that was a little more to him than a friend, just by how he spoke about her. And, though he doesn’t remember this, he received a package one day in his apartment and I asked him who it was from and he said, “A woman who wants me to marry her daughter.” I had figured out that this person he wanted to marry was AO.

So he pulls out AO on me. He says she’s really spiritual and they have great talks and that she makes him want to be a better person. But, apparently, I don’t. I knew enough at this point that I knew he didn’t have a lot of fun around AO. He often would ask me if I really thought he was funny. Yes, of course, why don’t you believe me? Well, AO, … Right. I get it. So I just said, in essence, “Okay, maybe I’m not a spiritual giant, but we have so much fun together, and when you’re around me, you’re happy. What about that?” And he said he didn’t know. We were both different girls, but he loved both of us. And there he said it. Stole my punch line. He loved me but also loved AO.

And then he has the nerve to say, “So how do you feel about me?” What?! I told him I was not about to declare how I felt about him with him sitting on the fence like that. I told him I wasn’t happy about all this and would need to think about it all. And I told him he couldn’t love two women, he had to pick one or the other. He understood.

What a jerk! I was so upset. I went home and ate almost a whole half gallon of ice cream. My roommate, Cathy, came out and talked to me cause she could tell I was upset. I told her about Rob and what he had told me and I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t get ahold of my mom on the phone. … I had been calling my mom for a few weeks now, telling her about Rob and my feelings for him and wanting to be in his life and what advice does she have for me. The whole time Mom had been trying to give it to me easy. You know: Maybe he’s just in your life to be a good friend and then you’ll move on. I would respond with something like, “If I don’t marry Rob, I won’t ever get married. How can you see the best and marry for second?” So Cathy comforted me and suggested maybe I should ask for a blessing from a friend in the ward.

What a great idea! So who to ask? I almost called up Rob. No, bad plan. How about Dave? No, he’s the roommate, can’t do that. So I called up my next closest friend, Kurt. I had no romantic feelings for Kurt and sensed he had some deeper issues than I wanted to deal with. But I loved playing ping-pong with him (yes, he’s the same Kurt from that first night of ping-pong) and he was pretty good. We talked sometimes for a while, but I knew he and I were going nowhere. So I called him. By now it’s almost midnight and curfew in the building is midnight. Sometimes, though, breaking the rules for something like a blessing isn’t a bad thing.

So Kurt gave me a blessing. He asked what it was about and I told him I didn’t want to really tell him. So guided only by the Spirit he gave me a blessing and I was touched by it. In the blessing I was told I would be prepared for whatever answer was coming to me. I was also told that although I couldn’t get ahold of my mom, I would be able to pray and reach Heavenly Father. Now how could Kurt have known any of that? And it turned out to be true, all of it. I wasn’t able to get ahold of my mom for about a week, which was an eternity considering how often I’d been calling her. And I was also prepared for Rob’s answer, though I’m pretty sure now that I wouldn’t have been without the blessing to calm me and give me direction.

written Spring 2006

October 1, 2000 – Grandma D’s House for Dinner and a Phone Call

October 1, 2000 – Grandma D’s House for Dinner and a Phone Call

This was another weird night. Rob and I went to Grandma and Grandpa D’s house for dinner along with an old companion of Rob’s, Elder Bird. I don’t know his first name. But he was married or engaged, and his significant other was there, too. Anyways, the phone call was awkward. I was trying to be supportive of Rob, but I didn’t know him still quite that well and felt I was in the way. Besides, I don’t know German and the whole phone call was in German. I just knew that an old investigator was now having trouble. I also knew that this old investigator was half in love with Rob. Weird. So the phone call was weird and I half (well, maybe even more than half) wished I hadn’t been there for that part.

The other part about that night that was funny was Grandma D’s reaction to me. I wore my normal-for-the-time attire over to her house. I wore baggy pants and an old ratty sweatshirt (I loved those clothes and wore them well after they should have been thrown away), along with my Sambas covered in paint from my job at the golf course. A few days later it was reported to Rob’s mom that I wore combat boots over to Grandma D's house. This is still a running joke and my Dad likes to tease me about it. Not that I wouldn’t wear combat boots if I owned them, cause I would. But I didn’t own them.

Rob’s family was a little funny to me. They talked about everything, even about what the girl Rob was dating was wearing. By this point I think I had probably already talked to C, Rob's oldest sister. Rob one day said, “My sister wants to call you.” Why, I asked. “Just cause she wants to.” That’s weird. We weren’t engaged or anything. I remember it being weird that C called me, but she was pleasant enough to talk to. I remember telling her that it was obvious that Rob wanted to get married. She was like, “You think?!” I told Rob afterward that it seemed most people thought we were going to get married. Not that I objected to that, but it was so early in our relationship.

written Spring 2006