Natural Empathy

A few days ago Tank was upset about something and chose to express his frustration by telling me that he hates me.  This doesn't really bother me.  If the words come from a child who is biologically connected to me (as they often do), then I'm indifferent to them.  My response ranges from "Thank you for telling me" to "I know" to "Well, I actually don't like you very much right now, either."

However, in Tank's case, for the last several months he's been telling me that he hates me over and over and over.  My typical Respond by Not Responding doesn't work with that.  I have to at least remove him to a different location because I don't need to be verbally abused, as fun as it is.  I tell him that I don't like it when he tells me mean things like that, and then I send him to his room for a time-out.

It's all a very calm affair.  And that's not even a lie.  It's easy to be calm while disciplining Tank because he reacts so quickly to even the slightest amount of emotion.  It means I don't have to fly off the handle to get his attention (as I used to with a certain older sister of his).  If I yell at him, he sobs.  If I even yell NEAR him, he sobs.  And not a manipulative sob, either.  A break-your-heart, I'm-a-horrible-person-for-yelling-at-him sob.

In this particular instance a few days ago, we were in the car headed to the library.  I forget the ins and outs, but he wasn't reacting well to something I had told him (along the lines of "You can only get 2 movies, not 3"), and he started showing me his angry face.  He pulled out some poutiness, and I was unmoved.  He broke into the "I hate you"s.  I told him that we could just go home if he was going to be mean, and then he didn't talk to me at all.

We got to the library and I held his hand and led him to a bench outside.  We sat down and Tank stared at the ground.  I tried explaining, all over again, that I really don't like it when he says that he hates me, mainly because I know he doesn't.  "We're buddies," I said.  "It hurts my feelings when you tell me that," I lied.  I figured it was worth the lie if it would help him understand why we don't say mean things.  Then I tried turning it around on him.  "How would you feel if I told you that I hate you?"

And this is where Tank broke down.  He started crying and fell into my arms and hugged me tight.  I talked to him about how it doesn't feel good, that he wouldn't like it if I said that.  Then we wrapped up the little chat, I helped him wipe his nose, and we walked into the library as buddies.  And as we walked I was once again amazed at this little person who was born with natural empathy, something I lack.  What a good kid.

It was really driven home the next day when he was talking about not wanting something.  He kept on the 'I don't want' thing so long that I casually said, as I tend to do when a word is repeated for too long, "Well, maybe I don't want you."  He stopped and looked at me.  He re-stated his position and softened his words.  And then I felt really pathetic when he said, "You want me now, don't you?"

Yes, Tank.  Yes, I do.