My family, 1992
back row:  Ruben, Budge, Dad
middle row:  Lori, Collin, me, Mom
front row:  Keith, Chad, and Justin

 Once, a long time ago, my brother Ruben passed away.  I think I've mentioned this before, because we named Elijah after him.  Ruben drowned, and most of the family was there, and it was hard.  Those who were there blamed themselves.  Those who weren't there blamed themselves.  Some of us blamed others of us.  ...  Death is hard and there's no way around that.

Recently someone that Rob home teaches lost his step son.  Rob gave consoling words, but was acutely aware that he's never been through a similar experience - Rob has never lost anyone close to him.  So Rob offered for this man and his wife to talk to me or my mom, if they wished.  I doubt they'll ever do so, but of course I'd be willing to talk. 

Death is something I think about quite often, actually.  And not because I'm worried about it, or obsessed with it.  But because I know that life is fragile.  People die young sometimes.  Or people die when they're old, and those of us left behind STILL aren't ready for it.  I'm not sure there's a good way to be ready, no matter what you do, no matter how much you "prepare".

When I was in the heavy duty stages of mourning my brother's death, I was very young, and those whom I was talking to were also very young.  So it isn't shocking that I heard some pretty terrible things from people.  If you're wondering what isn't comforting, here's a short list:

1.  I don't see why you're not over it yet.  It happened two years ago.
2.  I know how you feel.
3.  You'll see him again.  Doesn't that make it better?

1. Don't assume anyone should "be over it" already.  The hard part about death is that you don't stop loving that person.  If we stopped loving someone when they left this life, death would be SO easy.  Once I asked my mom when she stopped missing her own mother who died in the 80's.  With tears she said, "I still miss her."  Of course.

2. No one really knows how you feel, even if they've been in similar circumstances.  I often say the phrase "I know how you feel," or "I can relate," but I NEVER do so when it comes to death.  Death is so complicated and painful and deep.  My experience isn't someone else's.  And it didn't help me at all when other people said, "I know what you're going through."  I wanted to say, "Like HELL you do."

3. Yes, the Gospel message is amazing and wonderful.  Yes, it is comforting to know that my brother is not gone and lost.  Seeing him again is going to be one of the best moments I've ever experienced.  But assuming that the message of the Gospel will take away all the pain of death is insulting.  Don't assume that because someone is missing a person who died that they don't have a good enough understanding of the Gospel.  The person who makes a statement like this OBVIOUSLY hasn't experienced the death of someone close to them.

Here's what DOES help:

1 - Hugs
2 - "I love you."
3 - Being genuine.

... I was hopeful, once upon a time, that experiencing the death of my brother at a relatively young age would make death easier to deal with down the road.  I've been there, done that!  But I've come close to deciding that it makes each new death that much harder.  It reminds me all over again of his death, and all the years of pain, and the young girl so bewildered by it all. 

However, it makes other people's losses more real.  When I found out about the death of the Home Teachee's step son, for instance, tears immediately started forming in my eyes.  The pain I personally went through was real and it lasted a long time, and it was really, really hard.  I wish that kind of experience on no one.  Finding peace again isn't easy.


For some reason that's all been on my mind lately.  So I thought I'd talk about it a little.  I don't talk much about my brother's death - what is there to say? - but I do think about him.  And sometimes I still cry.  Sometimes there are moments, beautiful moments.  And I keep them in my heart, and I usually don't share them because they are mine. 

1987 - the matching clothes!

I love living, and I'm grateful for all the experiences I have had.  Still, I forbid anyone close to me to die until they are 85.  And that's an order!