So I'm finally out of a couple-month-long fog of depression. I've been looking around my life and realizing what a beautiful one I have! It's been great.
A few short notes on depression.
- I realized I was depressed as this was going on, and I didn't really care. It is usually true that Fully Sane Tamra can realize that Depressed Tamra needs help, but Depressed Tamra doesn't care.
- At one point I called an old friend and talked about how, even though I'd been planning on making a trip to her house, it wasn't going to happen any time soon. I told her how I didn't really want to go anywhere or do anything because I was just feeling so stressed about life. She said something that caught my attention: "And that's unusual for you, because you love to travel!" ... This is a hallmark of depression: Loss of interest in things you normally like to do. ... Did this immediately snap me out of my depression? No. But I recognized it.
- While I was stressed and there were life circumstances that I could blame my depression on, I take full responsibility for how I felt. Reacting poorly is one thing, but there was a choice I made along the way to check out. It was a survival tactic, I think: I can't handle this, so I'm just checking out emotionally. But I made a choice to not care about anything I valued in my life. This extended to EVERYTHING: family, marriage, home, work, dreams, hobbies, religion, God, and myself. It's almost like I was daring myself to see how close I could get to the edge without falling off the cliff. My report: That's a scary place to be.
Things have calmed down, the basement is done, things feel more stable, and it felt safe to come back. I still didn't immediately move back to Sanity, though, because ... because I didn't want to, I suppose. What finally snapped me back to goodness was looking around and noticing all the decay. It's like walking through a fixer-upper house and realizing that you either need to abandon it or start getting to work! I decided that I should get back to work. My life is great. I don't want to abandon it.
So, Happy New World to me! It's nice to be involved again.
3 comments:
I'm glad you're doing better. Depression sucks. You, on the other hand, are awesome.
Tamra I'm so sorry the past little while has been so rough! It is the worst to feel that way. Glad you recognized it and were able to pull out of it. How did you do it? Sheer willpower? I always need an outside thing like exercise or Vit D to pull me out of my funks.
Thanks, Kelly. You're pretty awesome yourself.
And Chelle, that's a good question. This time around, it just took me recognizing it and then just deciding to like my life again. Not that it hasn't been a long road since, but it started with that little choice.
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