Mormonism and Me, an Extended Separation

I announced on this blog back in, what, August 2014 that I was taking a break from the Mormon church.  I had intended, after some time, to put the pieces back together and "figure things out."  However, shortly after that break, I had a complete paradigm shift and my religious life was changed forever.  I think it has changed for the better, but I know not everyone agrees with me.  And that's okay.  We don't all have to agree to get along.  Right?!  ("Right," I answer myself, imaging a friendly, upbeat world.)

I have just a few things to say about this.  Nothing scathing.  Just a few honest, vulnerable things that I want to put out there.

1 - In early 2009 I started a second blog called Random Tamra.  I probably never said why, but the reason why is because of a Facebook post back in 2008.  I publicly declared in that post that I was pro-LGBT rights, and specifically pro-gay marriage.  I said in this post that I wasn't going to be afraid of saying that out loud.  That I believe the world is made up of people who deep down want to get along with each other and I don't want to be afraid anyway, so I'm saying what I believe.  And I got some pretty great FB responses to that, from religious and non-religious people alike.

I also got called into the Bishop's office for it.  It was a terrible experience, even though the meeting itself went well, and it messed with my religious life for about a year.  Before I'd been called in, Rob was called in and told to "talk to his wife" to try to bring me in line.  Rob said two things to the Stake guy delivering that message to him:  1 - Tamra wouldn't appreciate this meeting we're having right now.  She'd find it very insulting.  And 2 - YOU try bringing my wife in line.  Ha!

So I decided, fine, I guess my life DOES need to be segmented.  I guess I DO need to be a little afraid.  I guess we can't live and let live.  And I started a separate blog where I could write whatever I wanted.

For a while that was perfect.  That separation made me feel safe.

But those days are gone.  I refuse to even pretend there is a separation.  I either have something to say about a topic, or I don't.  I either want to say that thing publicly, or I don't.  At this point being called into the Bishop's office isn't a worry that I have.  What would he say to me anyway?  "Tamra, I already knew everything that just got reported to me..."  :)  And what would I say to him?  "Yep."

I will no longer be afraid.  THIS IS MY VOICE.

2 - My "break" from Mormonism is going to be extended indefinitely.  I have no intention of picking it back up in a practicing religion sort of way.  It wasn't making me happy when I was in the middle of it.  I've found peace and love without it in my head, and I'm happy to stand where I am.  And where is that exactly?  Nowhere in particular.  It's a floating sort of place with more grounding than it seems possible to explain.  I'm fond of singing part the popular song in reverse order, "I once was found, but now I'm lost."  :)

I like it out here.

3 - I'm done at BYU - dropping out yet again.  Even thinking about continuing with my on-line bachelor's degree while all this religious change has been going on inside me, even THINKING about that has been wearing me down.  So I'm done with it.  It's a little sad, but not really.  I'm happy to put it behind me.

4 - I am grateful to the people who have made this journey with me and haven't insisted that this be a simple, black and white issue.  It's been hard for everyone, including me.  It's harder when I get negative feedback that insists I'm a lousy person because I've had an experience that someone else hasn't had.

5 - I still intend to attend church on a somewhat regular (but not every week) basis.  I like to imagine a world where we love and accept others because that's what we want to do.  So that's my little claim:  That I can show up to a place where I belong, where I can love others and be loved.  That it doesn't matter what I do and don't believe.  That it doesn't matter if I am or am not fill-in-the-blank.  I can still belong here.  With the people I love.  That there is strength to be had in our differences.  That I can build you up and you can build me up, and that process doesn't have to center on what we do and don't believe.  That we can respect and love, and maybe someday understand each other, without focusing so much on rigid belief structures.

I'd like this place I envision to be in the Mormon church still.  My family has figured out how to exist in this space.  It's not easy sometimes.  But it's possible.  And it's my dream for Mormonism.  Someday that dream may have to end.  But as of today, I'm holding on to it!  It's a dream worth dreaming.


Love to you all!