A Love Letter

Dear Mormon Church:

I have loved you.  You were my hope when I was down and out.  My light in dark places.  You were my direction and guide book.  I planned out my future with you in mind.  I took no steps without consulting you.  And man am I glad for it all.  Look at my beautiful family, my amazing husband.  I have a great life, and Mormonism led me to it.  I thank you.  Where would I be without you?

Do you remember when my oldest was baptized?  What a spiritual moment that was.  So much love, support, confidence, and hope.  I was moved to tears while watching her take that huge step of faith, knowing that her faith would lead her on a path of happiness towards God.

Or how about when my husband told me something totally devastating and instead of reacting with fear or anger, I was moved by the Spirit to respond with love and hope.  It was a love beyond description, and I knew it was from God.  I'd read about these things in your scriptures.  I knew what you'd always told me was true.  Here I was experiencing a scripture-worthy moment in real life.  I was changed from that moment on.  

But something happened.  For all the messages of love and hope and enduring to the end, there was one message that I just couldn't figure out.  It seemed not to be a big deal at the time, just a political difference.  I supported gay marriage.  And you told me I shouldn't.  You told me to pray about it, to allow myself to be directed by you as I have been so many times in so many other situations.  I trusted you.  And I did as you asked.  But my prayers weren't leading where you told me they should be.  And still I trusted you.  Still I followed you.

Until I couldn't any more.  My insides were aching.  I stepped away.  It was hard, but I was confident I'd find you on the other side of my journey and we'd have an even stronger relationship then.  We'd understand each other deeper and love each other even more.  How could the end result be anything different?

Do you want to know something crazy?  Maybe it will hurt you, but it's the most honest truth that I know.  When I stepped away from you I found myself.  I became an even better version of myself.  Love was easier for me to find.  Happiness was simpler.  Truth was more obvious.  And I knew then that it was better that you and I keep our distance.

But oh, I have loved you.  Even as I kept coming to more and more realizations about myself and my own mental / emotional / spiritual health, I still honored you.  I held on to what parts I could.  I kept your name and chose to honor the path that has led me to where I am.  My past is with you and you are beautiful.  Nothing can change that.

So it is with deep regret that I remove my name from your records.  Your new policy regarding my LGBT friends is not something I can live with.  For the first time since starting my journey away from you, I actually wished you harm.  I wish harm on no one and nothing, so this was killing my soul.  It came to me in a flash that a simple solution existed:  I no longer needed to be Mormon.  This policy doesn't have to be mine.  You don't have to claim me and I don't have to claim you.  Easy.

And yet, still, I have loved you.  I deeply honor, love, and respect our past together.  But I can no longer continue my future journey with you.  We won't meet up on the other side.  I am waving good bye and moving on.

I wish you well.  I hope that you will find peace on your own journey.  And I hope that you can wish me the same.

Love,

Tamra