2015

As this year wraps up, I have been thinking a lot about what this year has been, what it's meant to me, where I'm at now.  It's a lot to contemplate.  But mostly what I settle on is how darn grateful I feel.

This year Rob and I celebrate our 15 year anniversary.  Most years we've celebrated the number of years.  You know, "Wow, 10 years.  Think about that!  An entire decade together."  But this year I'm grateful to even have an anniversary.  Forget the number of years, I AM STILL MARRIED!  After a year like this, that's something to celebrate in and of itself.

This year I officially left the Mormon church.  I'd been taking a break, like a vacation.  Now it's a permanent separation.  And you know what?  It didn't kill me.  I'm not a puddle of sorrow.  I didn't lose my morality, purpose, or sense of self.  AND I still have friends!  What's not to celebrate about that?!

This year I realized that I need to work less hours.  This Spring was really tough with Rob's travel schedule and I found myself thinking, "You know what this family needs?  Someone who manages 5 people's schedules, makes meals, goes shopping, drives the kids around ...  Oh wait. ..."  Not that I wasn't doing that already, but our family was so stressed that it suddenly dawned on me that I just needed to work less and that if I did, our family would run smoother.  So I do work less and it did have the desired outcome.  Did and done.

This year Rob got some kick ass bonuses.  He's had an exceptional year and I can't tell you how much this has helped ease our minds.  With all the other craziness going on in our lives, all the other stresses, finances was not one of them.  So grateful.

This year I dropped out of BYU for good.  This one is harder for me to feel grateful for.  Wasted time and money on this last go round.  But it does mean that I now get to study what I want to, when I want to.  I have the mental time and energy for myself and my family.  On top of that, I get to now think about a whole new direction for a bachelor's degree.  And that makes me happy.  (There's this opportunity in a year or two that might be opening, and I'm crossing my fingers for that.  I haven't been excited about a bachelor's in a long, long time.  I'm hoping that it all comes together.)

This year I started the gardens at our house.  You guys have no idea how happy this makes me.  So, so, so, so happy.  I'll take pictures in 2016 and post them. 

This year I found my strength.  For so long I've thought that I wasn't as strong as other people.  I just didn't have it in me and I knew it.  No shame in that.  But I was wrong.  Do you know how empowering it is to realize, after years of thinking it was impossible, that all those things you wanted for yourself, YOU HAVE THEM.  They've always been yours.  I wouldn't trade what I've experienced in that last year plus for anything.  It's like I was living, before, with a shadow of myself.  Always reaching, never attaining.  Having found my new, improved, empowered self, I refuse to let me go.  I was worth the pain.  I'd do it again a thousand times if I had to.  Except I don't have to and I don't want to.  Goodness, let's stop the pain!

So, thank you, 2015.  You were beautiful.