Why I'm (Not) Proud of My Daughter

Let's be clear from the start of this.  I am so, so proud of Miciah.  She's one of the best human beings that I know.  But I think it's really important to say the reasons why I am proud of her, and the reasons that don't factor into it at all.

Yesterday I had to pick up Miciah from school for a dentist appointment.  There were a few 8th grade girls working in the office.  I signed Miciah out and then waited for her to come down.  One of the girls looked at me with a funny look on her face.  I knew that look from somewhere, and while I couldn't place it, I knew to just look away.  Then she said, "You're Miciah's mom?"  "Yes."  Her voice was dripping with awe as she said, "She's a genius."  

THAT'S the look.  And the tone.  I haven't heard it in a long time.  As a teenager I was told many, many times that I was the smartest person so-and-so had ever met.  I was a "genius."  I was probably going to go cure cancer or something "important."  And I HATED it.  I hated every single minute of it.  Something about it made me want to cry and never talk to another human being again.  So I hid my grades, my test scores, etc., so that people wouldn't look at me like that, wouldn't talk to me like that.

So when this girl looked at me like that and talked to me like that, it didn't matter that it was directed at my daughter, whom I'm extremely proud of.  I still hated it.

And even though I wanted to run away, I handled it like an adult.  I smiled a little and said, "She works really hard."

You know why I'm NOT proud of my daughter?  Because she's smart.  What does "being smart" even mean?  Hearing "You're so smart" over and over again as a kid, I started thinking about that question.  What IS intelligence?  That I've figured out how to get good grades?  That I learn quickly?  That I'm motivated to succeed in school?  That I can recall things well enough to repeat it on a test?  That I happen to have good test taking skills?  That I'm interested in academic things enough to spend time on them?  All those things are good, I guess, but do they really make you Smart?  I say no.

Cause have you ever met a genius?  Those people are off the freakin' charts!  Miciah has gone to a math competition called Math Counts for 3 years now.  She does well enough, but she never even comes close to placing.  Some of these kids can answer super complicated questions before the moderator can even finish reading them!  Those kids are crazy smart.  But not just that, they've worked way, way, way harder than Miciah wants to.  They have studied the programs designed to help you learn those kinds of math problems.  They do math in their sleep, I'm sure of it.  Miciah?  Shes's not interested.

Miciah may be smart (however you define that anyway).  She wins award after award at school and is set to do the same thing again this year.  And yes, I'm very proud of her.  But you know what produces that kind of outcome?

Miciah works hard.  She works harder than almost anyone I know.

Miciah is focused.  She has awesome time management skills.  She knows when things are due and she works hard to get them done on time.

Miciah is self-motivated.  I don't think we've reminded her to do her homework in years.  I don't think we've even mentioned homework.  She's just on it.

Miciah knows what she wants.  She sees a goal on the horizon, and she takes that thing down!  She hunts and stalks it until it has no choice but to let itself be overtaken by her.  Miciah does not let up.

So when someone says to me, "Congratulations," I just look at them with a blank face.  "Umm, I didn't have anything to do with that."  And inevitably the response is, "Well, you must be doing something right."  I usually laugh and say, "Yeah, I get out of her way!"

Someday I should write down all about the other reasons why Miciah is probably my favorite person on the planet.  I never thought I'd feel so much love for and devotion to another person.  When I start to talk about her and what she means to me, I find tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.  That girl is amazing and I'm so glad she's in my life.

But not because she's smart.