Depression Avoided

It's been a long time since I've wondered if I should be on medication.  This last week was a blast from the past, then.  On Friday I decided that it probably wasn't worth it to spiral into a deep and dark depression, and things have been better since.

Here's where I am in my 40 day journey:

I MISS MY KIDS!

And there's really no avoiding that now.  Rob likes to kind of chuckle about that, when he tells people that I miss them more than he does.  "She's around them more," he'll explain.  Well, it's really not cool any more.  I still like the quiet.  I still like being able to be with Rob and talk about anything we want any time we want.  We can do anything.  We have ... time and money and ... time.  It's awesome.  But it's NOT MY LIFE.

As I've thought about what made this last week so terrible, I've come to a few conclusions.  And let this be a lesson to all of you.  My kids are gone for the summer, and I'm taking crazy amounts of classes at school, and I'm not attending my normal church meetings, and I don't have time because of the school work so I'm disconnected from my friends.  Do you notice a theme there?  DISCONNECTION.  ISOLATION.  Self-imposed.  What was I thinking?

To top it off, on Wednesday I sat down with Rob to talk about my Interpreting Philosophy Statement, which I don't actually have.  I wrote out what I came up with, which wasn't much, and Rob kept pressing me on WHY.  WHY am I going to school for interpreting?  Why, why, why, why, why?  Okay, fine!  I'm going to school because otherwise I'd be sitting at home doing nothing with my life, reading books and making you dinner!  Thank you for pointing out how pathetic I am!  ...  I cried myself to sleep.  No joke.

I talked with several people in the ITP program and they told me that I shouldn't feel pressured to come up with a why (which is funny, because people in the program keep telling me I should come up with a why!).  That it'll come in time.  Instead of interpreting during one of my practicum sites, I sat in the back of the room with my mentor and a few students and vented about how I don't have a why for being here, which means my kids are gone FOR NO REASON.  They all agreed that I shouldn't quit school, and I thanked them for being my unpaid counselors.  ...  I called one of my best friends that night and begged to come over.  Yes, I was that pathetic about it.  Friday I didn't do any homework, and I napped for 2 hours.  It was a bad week.

And then there started to be light.  I hung out with some friends.  Watched some movies.  Relaxed.  One of my teachers realized she'd been over-assigning homework and declared us done with homework for the rest of the term (praises be!).  I made good progress on the ridiculous amounts of homework I have for one of my other classes.  And it came to me clear as day why I'm in school anyway:  Because I want to be.  And that's good enough for now.

So depression was avoided, just barely.  ...  My kids have plane tickets to come home.  Saturday, August 4th (day 44).  I don't know who's more excited: me or them.