On Motivation

I've been getting some feedback about school and interpreting.  The feedback is that I need more Drive, Passion, and Energy.

I didn't know how to take that last part.  I've never been accused of not having enough energy.  I told my mentor, "I'll give you my siblings' phone numbers.  They've described me as "bubbly," "bouncy," and "excitable.""

But the first part, Drive and Passion, I flat out told this mentor that she's going to be waiting a long time, if she's waiting to see that in me.  I gave up Drive and Passion years back.  It went something like this.

I was 21.  I had a toddler and a newborn.  I'd just moved across the country and I had no friends.  I had post-partum depression but didn't know it.  I felt HORRID and I didn't know why I should still be a mother tomorrow.  One of my M.O.s is that often I would rather run away than face life.  I can be heard to say that it would be wonderful to go to sleep and never wake up.  It could be OVER.  Wouldn't that be great?  ...  No.  I'm not depressed.  That's just my fall-back response.

Anyways, I hit a moment when I had to decide.  I had to decide if this is what I wanted.  I was 21, doing "nothing" with my life, with a terrible toddler and a needy newborn.  This was Motherhood?  This is what I wanted?

Eventually I figured it out.  For me, it looked like Acceptance.  Letting it go.  I took everything I had thought I wanted from my life - all the accomplishments, the travel, the goals - and I threw them out the window.  I started over.  The life I had then, with the kids and the husband in grad school and the no money, it was a good life.  Not only that, but it was Heavenly Father's plan for me.  And I liked it!

That feeling has expanded over time.  I accept the Universe as it is, and I accept my place within it.  I will die, whenever that is, having been what I was - insignificant at large, significant to a few, and happy all the while.  That isn't depressing, it's amazing!  It's a gift.  A treasure.

So when my mentor suggested that I make some Goals, find some Passion and Drive, I just said, "Umm, that's not going to happen."  I do set goals in life, and I meet them.  I have goals in interpreting, too.  But if I don't ever accomplish them, that's okay.  Where am I headed with interpreting?  That's hard to say.  I don't want to limit my vision.  On top of that, Passion and Drive aren't my gig.  Acceptance, for me, is the only thing that has ever brought me lasting Happiness.  To which my mentor said, "Yes, you are very good at Acceptance."

I still don't think she got it.  She kept saying, "You always have your Plan B."  But that's not it at all.  I'm not shielding myself from heartache by accepting potential failure.  It's Acceptance.  I recognize that my goals may not allign, in the end, with the Plan.  I am on a path that I like, and I will stay on it until directed otherwise.  There is a Plan outside my control.  It is bigger and better than I can even fathom.

Now if you want Hard Work and Dedication, I have that.  Is that not good enough?