The Other Side of the Mountain

(This post will sound a little vague.  Sorry.  But be patient.  I'll let you in on the rest of the story soon.)

So apparently Zen Tamra was a preparation for the last few weeks.  I think I failed, but I didn't fail miserably, so I guess there's some honor to be had.

I've been waiting for something to happen.  It's really been fast, but not fast enough, you know?  I was patient and I had a good attitude about it.  And then, the day came when it was over.  My patience was officially gone. 

Do you know what's on the other side of Patience?  I thought it would be despondency.  But it turns out that for me it's Anger. 

I was in the middle of my sign-to-voice class, where we watch videos and everyone takes a turn voicing what is signed.  It was a more difficult video, and I wasn't excited about it.  I walked into the room after finishing a voicing test and the teacher, whom I love and adore, said, "Oh, Tamra.  We just finished, but you can voice the last part for us."  I played it off.  "No, that's okay.  I don't want to slow up the class.  Feel free to just move on."  She insisted, "Everyone else had to.  So you can, too."  I said something like, "That's sweet.  I appreciate you giving me this opportunity."

Then I voiced and wasn't into it.  I was already Done with life in general.  A few minutes in I lost it, "I don't know.  This is lousy.  I'm not in the mood.  Just turn it off."  Seriously, I totally lost it.  The rest of the class was like, "You did a good job!" etc., but I was like, "This is total BS."  I didn't say that, thankfully (see, it was just a fail, not a fail miserably), but it was a complete crash and burn.  No saving face possible.

After class was over, I walked out to my car, pissed at life in general.  Typically when I'm angry, the anger has a very specific source and focus.  But this was a strange kind of anger with no real target.  If you were standing there, I'd probably have wanted to cuss you out, just because you were close to me.  A blind, pervasive anger.  Pretty toxic.

Within minutes of arriving at my car, there was a phone call from my husband.  He informed me that the thing I'd been wanting to happen was happening.  It wasn't a definite, but it was movement.  And it helped me be calmer.

I sat outside and soaked up the sunshine.  I ate something.  I listened to some podcasts.  I watched the wind blow. 

My teacher ended up passing by about an hour after class was finished.  I apologized for my sub-par behavior and she told me it was okay.  She said, "If you did it every time, we'd have a talk.  But it was an isolated event."  I thanked her for being understanding and we talked for a while.  She's a lovely person.

...  Today things have calmed.  I woke up and the last bit of my despondency and anger had lifted.  Kind of like magic.  I was so happy to feel good again that I almost started crying.  I feel light and happy and ...  and I feel like ME.  I didn't realize how much stress I'd been under for the last few weeks until it was no longer weighing me down.

So, welcome back, Zen Tamra.  I've missed you.