Connecting with the Universe

Minutes after writing the last post, I realized that I'd finally arrived:  The Bottom.

My journey there wasn't dramatic.  Just a slow descent.  But by Monday night, I'd started saying things like, "I'm going to quit."  And here's the thing:  Even though I've said that before, it's always been with a laugh.  I recognized something distinctly different this go round:  I was starting to believe it. 

Over the last few weeks, I'd hit some mental road blocks and I started recognizing that this is when it gets tough.  These are the crucial moments when people buckle down and do it, or they just don't make it through.  I could be one of those people who didn't make it out alive.  And what of it?  What if I did walk away from everything I've spent the last 2 years doing?  I have a great life.  I don't need this. 

I had 2 different dreams related to interpreting.  One where a room full of interpreters booed me off the stage (I woke up laughing about it, but it's funny how it affected me).  The second where I said to interpreting, "To hell with you.  I don't need you any more," and then spent the rest of my life happily playing with my kids, reading books, volunteering at the kids' school.  You know, all those things I used to do.  That second dream, it helped a little.  I realized that I really COULD still walk away and my world would be fine.

But that didn't help the creeping melancholy.  And, really, I'm tired of school.  I'm tired of the time drain.  I'm tired of the assignments that are always there.  I'm tired of feeling like I always have to be on top of my schedule.  I'm tired of reading books I don't want to read.  I'm tired of teachers telling me what I'm doing wrong.

When Monday morning came around, Rob was out of town.  I found it difficult to even get out of bed.  And not like normal when I don't want to get out of bed (because that's most days, even when I feel great.  The bed is warm and comfortable and maybe Rob could make me breakfast and I could read a book until noon.  Ah, the dream.) - I really had no desire to exist at all.  I realized that I'd hit a real low point.  I know that marriage is the place to get support from a loving partner, but not wanting to get out of bed?  That's pathetic.  I suddenly saw that Rob had been holding me together for a long time.  And he was gone.

By Monday night, I'd had enough.  All the negativity swirling around my brain, it needed to go!  For weeks / months my mind has been racing, like I didn't have time to think or catch my breath.  I'd missed exits on the interstate (repeatedly - sometimes repeatedly on the same drive).  I hadn't been able to focus.  My self-esteem was down.  I knew I needed to get this all under control, but how? 

I thought of all my Calming Techniques that I've learned over the years...

I sat on the floor cross-legged and did my best to meditate.

Breathe out the negative.
Breathe in the positive.
Push out my thoughts.
The world is quiet.

And this is the little mantra that helped me quiet my mind:  Nothing exists but what's in my head.

Sounds weird, right?  But it really helped.  Those things out there that I need to do, the nagging things on my to-do list, they aren't important.  Not only that, they don't exist.  At any given moment, I choose what is in my head and what is not.  That's the reality of life. Nothing exists but what I allow at any given time to take priority in my brain.

Once I was calm, I realized I needed to be doing a better job with life than I was currently doing.  Too many things were taking too much of my mental energy.

I reduced my life to 3 essential realms:
Myself
My Family
School

And right now, that's it (for those of you concerned - God is in the Myself category. Because there are few better ways to connect with myself than connecting with My Maker).  I decided I would do one thing a day for each of those 3 categories.  Not just like a check mark on a to-do list, but one thing to really CONNECT with myself, my family, and my school work.  Just one thing.  I resolved to not worry about the rest.  Things will get done when they need to.

So there you go.  That was my re-connection with the Universe.  Hello, Universe.  Zen Tamra says hi.

I woke up Tuesday morning feeling alive.  I noticed the world around me like I know I used to notice it - and I found joy in it.  Because that's what this life is about:  Finding joy.

I can do that.