November 27 and 28, 2000 – The Letters From JH

November 27 and 28, 2000 – The Letters From JH

Of course about as soon as we were engaged, I wrote a letter to JH telling him that I’d found the man I wanted to marry and that I was sorry, and I knew it’d be hard, blah, blah, blah, but I was going to marry Rob. A pretty typical Dear John, no doubt. I had been hoping to get back a letter from JH before leaving for the Thanksgiving Break, but that didn’t happen. I even made a point of checking the mail very quickly before leaving. I was anxious to see how he’d respond, and I was worried about it.

The first letter I received was on November 27th, the day we got back. It said that he was doing better and that he was happy for me, though he wondered why we were getting married so quickly and was that a wise thing? This, to me, was an acceptable response letter to a Dear John.

And then the next day I received another letter, this one dated a week before the one I’d received the day before. And this was a very bitter letter. He said unkind things about Rob and about me and he was obviously very hurt. I remember he mentioned the day he received my letter and said that he’d had a hard day that day in particular. Later, after I wasn’t upset about his letter, I remembered that day. I remembered walking through campus holding Rob’s hand and feeling suddenly very strongly that we should pray for JH. I told Rob that I wanted him to pray for him, though I wasn’t sure why. We both prayed for him.

I’m sure it took me a few days to calm down from the letters. I wrote him another letter. I didn’t want to respond in anger. I told him I knew that marrying Rob was the right thing. I spoke to him especially about a revelation I’d received while I’d been dating JH. At the time I had taken that revelation to mean that I was going to marry JH. But over time I realized that the revelation had not had a particular man attached to it, just a feeling of overwhelming peace and joy along with a clause, “If you live the Gospel.” I saw in this revelation my wedding day outside the temple and I saw myself with a worthy man. It was a wonderful revelation. I got the feeling several times that JH had been given a similar revelation, and he seemed to hint strongly at that in his letters. He had a hard time dealing with that. I had never spoken to JH about my revelation, and he never spoke directly to me about his, either, just what was hinted at in this letter. But I felt it important to tell him, now that I was not going to marry him, why I would get a revelation like that and then marry Rob and still feel good both about marrying Rob and about the revelation.

Could I have married JH and been happy? I dunno. Probably. Is that an idea I even entertain any more? No. JH and I caused so much hurt for each other that I like to leave all thoughts of him where they belong: on the shelf. Like an old, worn book that you only bring out delicately and rarely. I learned a lot of lessons from JH that I will always take with me. There’s not much else to say about him.

Some time after Thanksgiving (I’m pretty sure), my mom came in town for two reasons. One, we had her van in Utah and she needed to drive it back out to California. I don’t recall how the van got out there in the first place, but obviously it was out there because we drove it to California and then back to Utah. Anyways, the other reason she came was to pick out a wedding dress with me. I wanted my mom to make my wedding dress, but there was not much time. We went first with L to see what kinds of wedding dresses there were for sale. I didn’t like any of them enough to buy. So we went to a fabric store and picked out a dress from the pattern books. It was not perfect because it wasn’t modest enough, so my mom had to modify it. But I am thrilled with how it turned out. L also helped pick out a bridesmaid dress pattern and fabric for her. I also loved how that turned out.

written Spring 2006