November 27 and 28, 2000 – The Letters From JH

November 27 and 28, 2000 – The Letters From JH

Of course about as soon as we were engaged, I wrote a letter to JH telling him that I’d found the man I wanted to marry and that I was sorry, and I knew it’d be hard, blah, blah, blah, but I was going to marry Rob. A pretty typical Dear John, no doubt. I had been hoping to get back a letter from JH before leaving for the Thanksgiving Break, but that didn’t happen. I even made a point of checking the mail very quickly before leaving. I was anxious to see how he’d respond, and I was worried about it.

The first letter I received was on November 27th, the day we got back. It said that he was doing better and that he was happy for me, though he wondered why we were getting married so quickly and was that a wise thing? This, to me, was an acceptable response letter to a Dear John.

And then the next day I received another letter, this one dated a week before the one I’d received the day before. And this was a very bitter letter. He said unkind things about Rob and about me and he was obviously very hurt. I remember he mentioned the day he received my letter and said that he’d had a hard day that day in particular. Later, after I wasn’t upset about his letter, I remembered that day. I remembered walking through campus holding Rob’s hand and feeling suddenly very strongly that we should pray for JH. I told Rob that I wanted him to pray for him, though I wasn’t sure why. We both prayed for him.

I’m sure it took me a few days to calm down from the letters. I wrote him another letter. I didn’t want to respond in anger. I told him I knew that marrying Rob was the right thing. I spoke to him especially about a revelation I’d received while I’d been dating JH. At the time I had taken that revelation to mean that I was going to marry JH. But over time I realized that the revelation had not had a particular man attached to it, just a feeling of overwhelming peace and joy along with a clause, “If you live the Gospel.” I saw in this revelation my wedding day outside the temple and I saw myself with a worthy man. It was a wonderful revelation. I got the feeling several times that JH had been given a similar revelation, and he seemed to hint strongly at that in his letters. He had a hard time dealing with that. I had never spoken to JH about my revelation, and he never spoke directly to me about his, either, just what was hinted at in this letter. But I felt it important to tell him, now that I was not going to marry him, why I would get a revelation like that and then marry Rob and still feel good both about marrying Rob and about the revelation.

Could I have married JH and been happy? I dunno. Probably. Is that an idea I even entertain any more? No. JH and I caused so much hurt for each other that I like to leave all thoughts of him where they belong: on the shelf. Like an old, worn book that you only bring out delicately and rarely. I learned a lot of lessons from JH that I will always take with me. There’s not much else to say about him.

Some time after Thanksgiving (I’m pretty sure), my mom came in town for two reasons. One, we had her van in Utah and she needed to drive it back out to California. I don’t recall how the van got out there in the first place, but obviously it was out there because we drove it to California and then back to Utah. Anyways, the other reason she came was to pick out a wedding dress with me. I wanted my mom to make my wedding dress, but there was not much time. We went first with L to see what kinds of wedding dresses there were for sale. I didn’t like any of them enough to buy. So we went to a fabric store and picked out a dress from the pattern books. It was not perfect because it wasn’t modest enough, so my mom had to modify it. But I am thrilled with how it turned out. L also helped pick out a bridesmaid dress pattern and fabric for her. I also loved how that turned out.

written Spring 2006

November 21 – 26, 2000 – Thanksgiving in California

November 21 – 26, 2000 – Thanksgiving in California

My parents had not met Rob. They were in California and it’d only been 3 months now. So I invited Rob home with me for Thanksgiving. He would have stayed in Utah with his extended family, but was just as anxious as I was for him to meet my family. I knew they would like him.

We set off for California on the 21st with L, J, and Janine who is also from my home town. We stayed that night at a hotel in attached rooms. The main room had 2 double beds. The attached room had a single queen bed or something like that. Anyways, L and J got the room with the single bed and that left Rob and Janine and me in the main room. I slept in the bed with Janine and Rob slept in the other bed by himself. This was really weird. It made me very glad Janine was with us, or it would have been exceptionally weird. But we had fun. I remember joking around and throwing pillows and stuff.

The next day, the 22nd, I’m pretty sure I forced Rob to sing “Old Man River” for my family, in the car. I was so in love with Rob and loved his voice and wanted everyone else to love it, too. So I was always asking him to sing (as I still always am). Sometime later on the drive Rob and I were talking in the back seat. I told him something I had told a few other people, but never had told Rob. I told him I didn’t like the way he kissed. I don’t recall what it was that I didn’t like about it, but I didn’t like it. So he said he’d work on it.

Rob: She didn’t just tell me. I had to pry it out of her. She was worried about how I would take the criticism. I have to admit it did hurt a little, but I would rather have known something like that than kiss her for the rest of my life and have her not really enjoy it. This may sound weird but I made the matter a matter of prayer. I felt it was important to have my future wife enjoy kissing me so I prayed about how I might make this a more enjoyable experience. The ideas came flooding in.

Later that day, at my parents house now, he kissed me and I fell in love all over again. I remember being blown away that he had been able so quickly to change how he kissed me so that I really liked it. I asked him how he did it and he just said he prayed. Wow. I liked it. All of it: the kissing and the praying.

Thanksgiving went fine. I remember that Rob was in charge of the mashed potatoes and he mixed them until they didn’t have lumps any more, and then found out my dad likes it with lumps in it. And I think I again ate a full pumpkin pie in a day. I do that most Thanksgivings. Rob also had a talk with my dad. It wasn’t to get “permission” from him, because I give the permission, but I did want Rob to talk to him. From what Rob’s told me, it wasn’t much of a talk. Later Dad would tell me that Rob is the best of the best of men. I doubt he had such glowing things to say about me.

Rob: This is the way the conversation went. I asked if he was OK with me marrying his daughter. He responded by asking if it mattered what he thought and whether it would change whether I married his daughter or not. I told him no, that I was going to marry her either way. He then said it didn’t matter then what he thought. He then asked if I realized what I was getting into by marrying Tamra. I later found out I had no idea.

The next day, the 23rd, we had Jane and Phil over. I had invited them over to “grill Rob” about marrying me. It was sort of a quality check. Phil was too soft on him, but he approved whole-heartedly. Jane is a little jaded from her personal experience, so she objected to us getting married. Not because she objected to Rob, but because she objected to anyone getting married young. This annoyed me a little, but I kind of liked that she was razzing Rob, too.

Rob: I only really remember the end of this conversation. I remember telling the both of them that I was sure it would work out. Jane looked at me and told me that I couldn’t really be sure. I responded simply by saying that I knew myself and knew that this marriage would work and that we would be happy. I’m not sure they believed me but I think they were impressed with my confidence and willingness to stand up for myself and our decision. They at least knew I was committed.

It was probably later that night, before bed, that we talked. Rob and I were kissing and I remember we got into a position that I wasn’t comfortable with. I trust Rob to behave himself, but I wasn’t comfortable. I remember asking Rob why we were laying that way. He said he didn’t know. There was something about his answer that reminded me of JH and so made me a little defensive on the spot. He then quickly remedied the situation and I thought he was mad at me. He told me he appreciated that I would tell him what I was comfortable with and not comfortable with. He said that all a woman ever had to do for him to not do something was tell him it made her uncomfortable. I was amazed and impressed that any male could be so controlled and caring.

We also talked that night about one of my main fears in marrying Rob. Rob is gentle and loving, but he is big. What if he ever hit me? I might not survive. I am little and he is big and this is a little scary to me. He told me that he would never hit me and I didn’t need to worry about that. I told him I trusted him, but how could I know for sure? And he used the trump card: prayer. He said, “You get down and pray right now and ask if I will ever hit you.” He talked about how abuse is a gross misuse of the Priesthood and we prayed about it all, though I doubt at this point I was comfortable enough to pray out loud. So either I said a prayer silently or Rob said a prayer for us, but either way, at the end, I just hugged Rob and my fears were quieted. I knew he was a good man and that he’d never abuse me or our future children.

The next day, the 25th, I took Rob to see a little bit of my home town Not that there’s much to see, mind you, but I wanted to show him around and I wanted some time with just him, too. So we went to the parking garage downtown. It has a pretty good view of town. And then I took him to the park at the top of the only hill in town. I ran Cross Country there a lot in High School. The park was closed, so we parked close and walked up the hill. I hate that hill. The hill gives a pretty good view of the town, as well. We made out a little at that park, which is something we’d never done before. I hadn’t ever been tempted to kiss Rob too much, cause I didn’t like how he kissed. Kissing had been like a chore. But now it was nice and it was tempting.

We drove back to Utah on the 26th. Janine was getting a ride back with someone else, so it was just L and J and Rob and me. This made it more tempting, too. L and J did all the driving, so it was just Rob and me in the back to cuddle. Janine wasn’t there, so there was no one else to chaperone. And then it got dark and Rob and I got back to making out. While making out is fun and I liked it, we knew we could quickly get ourselves into trouble if we followed that path. We agreed to not make out any more until we got married. And we stuck to that.

written Spring 2006

October 27, 2000 – Halloween Dance

October 27, 2000 – Halloween Dance

The Halloween Dance was with our ward and a few others. It was fun. Rob and I, of course, went as a couple and I was dressed up in my Navy sailor outfit that I adore and Rob, I think, was just in jeans and a white shirt. I don’t think he had a costume. Who brings a Halloween costume to college with them? But it was SO FUN to dance with Rob again. We did a lot of swing stuff that we couldn’t do the week before at Homecoming because I was in a long dress that didn’t really allow me to move like that. So we danced and danced and Rob sweated and sweated.

I remember that one guy came up to me to dance with me while Rob was doing something else like going to the bathroom or something. The guy was apparently a dancer on one of the BYU dance teams, and he was pretty quick to let you know that. He told me that he had seen me dancing and obviously I was pretty good. I laughed and told him that I didn’t know any dance moves at all, and Rob had been teaching me. Really, Rob looks good and I get to benefit from that. He was not impressed and essentially stopped talking to me right then, which made the rest of the song a little awkward. I just thought, “I don’t care. I’m here with the guy I’m going to marry and that’s not you.”

Once Rob and I were engaged, real life seemed to hit me and our courtship slowed down a lot. We were still together nearly everyday all day, but it wasn’t the same going out and doing things that it had been before. Now we had to think about realistic things like me getting a pre-marital check-up with a GYN, and us finding an apartment, and what would our finances be like after we were married, and finding a reception hall for the wedding, and were we going to start trying immediately to have kids or would we wait. Real life is not near as exciting as the rollercoaster, heart-on-a-platter, falling-in-love romance. But it does have to be dealt with, none-the-less.

So we dealt with real life. We found an apartment at King Henry (the smallest apartment you’ve ever seen) and I put down the money for it. We decided I would have to get a job after we got married, so we could survive life. I had not previously had a job while attending college. And I started frantically making wedding plans, which is no fun at all. I put Rob’s mom in charge of the reception in Ohio, my parents in charge of whatever they wanted to do in California, and I asked J to help with the reception in Utah and the wedding announcements. She was the only person I knew who had been married somewhat recently and had done all the reception stuff, plus she said she could help make announcements. Coordinating all these efforts was a monstrous task and I probably didn’t help matters, since I was so stressed out about all of it plus going to school that I about shut down. I would play Tetris on the old school original Nintendo that Chanel had brought with her from home. I would play for hours and hours and hours. I got really good: Level 18, Line 182. I don’t know of anyone who has done better [comment from Oct. 2008: and I've beat that by 10 lines since then]. And I was on the phone almost constantly, much to the annoyance of my roommates who could never use it because I was always on it. There was just so much to do.

And the idea of having to talk to Rob, this man I had only known for 2 months, about things like kids and sex and school was really weird to me. Of course I knew when we were married, those things would come, but talking to Rob about it was awkward for me. We had only known each other a short time, and while we were attracted to each other and kissed and things, our relationship was not sexual and so it was odd thinking about it in those terms. But we talked anyway because we needed to. We decided that we would put off trying for children until I had finished school. This was obviously the wisest decision to make. I knew in my heart that I would not be able to accomplish going to school and raising a child, so it was one or the other. And though I agreed to that decision, deep down I wondered about it. Were we really supposed to wait? But that’s what we decided, so it was fine. And it really did make sense.

So I went to the GYN that J suggested. I didn’t like him at all, but I did like the nurse I saw. It was my first pap smear and that part I didn’t mind so much as what the nurse had to do to figure out my uterus is tipped. That was very painful and I think I was saying ‘ow’ for about half an hour afterwards. The GYN brought Rob in from the waiting room where he was waiting through the exam so he could talk to us about which kinds of birth control there are and also so he could talk to us about sex. Again, awkward. He gave us a little phamplet book thing that he had co-authored about sex and marriage. He asked us both to read it individually so we would know what to expect. It was more information than I wanted to know, but it was helpful to not go in blind. Though I don’t think I was blind about it all. Anyways. Rob and I decided in the doctor’s office to start me on the pill. I would start it in a few days to time my period right for the wedding and have it be effective by the time we needed it to be. Fine, fine.

But it wasn’t fine. Those few days were some of the longest of my life. I have recorded this story in several other places, so I will give the short version here. I felt Miciah’s presence. Not that I knew it was Miciah, but I knew it was my first child. And the child was always there. This weighed on me and weighed on me. The child wasn’t a pest, he or she just wanted me to know they were there and they wanted to come down as quickly as possible. The child was always smiling and would very gently and sweetly say, “Mom.” I would sometimes say, “What?” in response. There never was a response, just that same smile. I remember one instance in particular in my room, looking up at the ceiling and saying, “Stop. I get it. I know you’re there. Just leave me alone. I have to study,” or something to that effect. My roommate must have thought I was crazy. I knew I wasn’t crazy, and I knew that we couldn’t delay having children. Not with this child so desperately wanting to come down to us.

But how could I bring that up with Rob? He knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to tell him what it was. I thought he would be disappointed in me for going back on the decision. It was the day before I was to start taking the birth control, so we needed to talk. We talked, though Rob had to coax just about everything out of me. I told him I felt this presence and I couldn’t shake it, but the light in my eyes was gone and I couldn’t function without it and I just wanted to cry and, and, and. It’s a little funny now to think about. And that spirit is still how my sweet daughter, Miciah, is today. Nice and sweet, but insistent to get her way. … I felt like my life would end if we didn’t make the right decision, so Rob very sweetly offered a prayer. And after this prayer we knew what decision we needed to make. I was so grateful that Rob was understanding and wanted to listen to the Lord. He had not felt the same impressions as I had, but he trusted me and he trusted the Lord, though neither of us knew how we would make this work.

Rob: I am very grateful for this experience. I believe it established a pattern in our marriage that we have tried to follow. We knew we could receive answers from our Father in Heaven. He was interested in our marriage. I also hoped it help Tamra know that she could and should approach me about any concerns she ever had. The answer that evening was very strong. There was no question in my mind what our course of action needed to be.

Of course we know how this story ends. We were married and 10 short months later Miciah joined our family. I knew from the beginning that she was full of a love for life and that she wanted to be on earth at this time in our family. And it’s awful nice to know all that. Looking back on how life has gone, I can’t imagine if we had waited. We did the right thing for us and that’s also nice to know. When people find out how soon Miciah joined our family, they will occasionally ask if she was unplanned or a “mistake” as it’s sometimes put. It almost makes me want to laugh. If they only knew how insistent she was to get down here. And it is nice to answer, with full conviction, that no, just the opposite, she was asking to come down. Why did we have Miciah so early in our marriage? Because it’s what Miciah wanted, and what the Lord wanted for us.

written Spring 2006

October 15, 2000 – We’re Engaged!

October 15, 2000 – We’re Engaged!

Sunday was a long day. I remember in church talking to one of Rob’s FHE sisters, I don’t remember her name. But she asked if Rob and I were going to get married. I told her it was definitely headed that way. She was excited for me, though not as excited as I was for me!

Sunday night Rob was at my apartment just hanging out. He decided he wanted to leave early so that he could get to bed earlier than we’d been getting to bed. I think it was around 10:30 p.m. when he started to walk out of the apartment. I practically begged him to stay. Our usual routine was to be in my apartment until curfew (10 on weekdays and 11 on weeknights, if I remember right) and then out in the hallway until the building curfew (11 on weeknights and midnight on weekends). So we moved out into the hallway. I objected the whole time and he was telling me about how tired he was and that he had to work insanely early (he had to wake up at like 4:00 a.m.). He’d been falling asleep in his classes and not been performing up to par. He needed sleep. I told him I didn’t want him to go. By this time we were in the laundry room in the basement of Bowen Hall. He said, “You know I need to go.” I said, “I don’t want you to leave.” He said maybe someday he wouldn’t have to leave. I told him, “I don’t mean tonight. I don’t want you to go ever.” He kind of half-smiled and said, “Tamra T------, are you proposing to me?” I grabbed him by the collar and shook him a little as I almost shouted, “Yes. I want to marry you!”

Very romantic, huh? There were bras hanging up in the laundry room, something we still joke about. And my method of asking wasn’t exactly suave. But I knew what I wanted and so I asked my question.

Rob then closed his eyes while we were standing there. I said, “I’ve never proposed to anyone before. Is this a good sign?” He said, “Shh. I’m praying.” Oh. Oops. I was super nervous. I almost wanted to say, “No! Don’t pray! Just say yes!” But I didn’t. I knew I wanted this to be right, even if that meant losing Rob. I think it was the longest prayer he’s ever said, or at least it seemed that way to me. Finally he opened his eyes and said, “I’ll marry you if you’ll marry me.”

I was so happy! And then, after this moment of elation, suddenly reality set in. When? Where? What details? My goodness. It was a little bit of a let down to have to think about reality after riding in the clouds. But of course reality has to be taken care of. We didn’t decide much that night.

I went back into my apartment and said, “I’m engaged!” They were all so happy for me and immediately got down a calendar and told me which times would work for them and which wouldn’t. In the end, I scheduled a bad time for two of them, but whose wedding was this anyway? It was cute that they were so supportive. And then I called my parents. It was almost midnight by the time my phone call reached them. So they were asleep. I just figured something like an engagement shouldn’t wait until morning. Dad picked up the phone. I told him I was engaged! If you want someone to reacted excitedly, don’t pick my dad as that person. He said, “Great. Change your mind and call me back in the morning.”

written Spring 2006

October 14, 2000 – That Look in Rob’s Eyes

October 14, 2000 – That Look in Rob’s Eyes

Ever since the week before when we had decided to go forward with the relationship, Rob had a certain look in his eyes. I was pretty sure that look meant he was getting ready to ask me to marry him. I also knew he hadn’t gone to the temple yet and I knew he wanted to take the decision there to think and ponder about it. I was trying to be patient and wait for him to go to the temple so he could come back and ask me to marry him.

But I was a little scared about all this. Not about marrying Rob, but about Rob for some reason not wanting to marry me. I remember telling him one day that I was afraid that Rob’s train would leave and I would miss it (okay, maybe it was worded differently than that, but I remember using the analogy of a train). And I remember Rob looking at me straight in the eye and saying, “Well, then get on.” Oh. Okay. I also told him that same day (obviously it must have been earlier in this week, like October 10th or 11th or something like that) that marrying him would be like a dream come true. And he said, “I’m not in this to make your dreams come true.” He told me he wanted to marry someone who wanted the same things in life that he wanted. And what does he want? To serve the Lord all his days. Not a bad goal. I remember thinking, “I can do that.”

So obviously we could both feel marriage on the horizon. So Saturday night after coming home from wherever we were, we stood outside those back entrance stairs and talked. I told him he had this look in his eyes and had for the last two weeks (I remember thinking it was two weeks, but obviously according to the calendar, it couldn’t possibly have been. It was only a week). I asked him what it meant. I asked Rob point blank because I wanted him to ask me to marry him. He said the look in his eyes was a question he wanted to ask me, but he didn’t feel quite ready to ask me yet. “But, hypothetically speaking, what would you say?” I remember wanting to laugh at that, but being so excited because obviously I knew what that question was and I wanted nothing more than to hear him say it. I said, “Should I pretend I don’t know what the question is?” No. But what would you say? “Well,” I said, “I’d have to think about it and pray about it.”

Of course I WANTED to shout out, “Heck yeah, and let’s get married tomorrow!” But I had learned a little in my relationship with Rob. I knew that I wanted to do this the right way. I had been praying for weeks now (again, it could be shorter than that) if I should marry Rob or not, or telling Heavenly Father that I wanted to marry Rob. And every time I would get the same answer: Rob has to make his decision first. This answer annoyed me and made me impatient. How unfair that Rob had to decide first and I was forced to wait for that decision. But I knew that’s how it should be. (Rob’s patriarchal blessing, I later found out, said that he would pick his wife and not the other way around. So my answers, then, made sense. I just didn’t realize it at the time.) So I hadn’t actually received my answer if I should marry Rob or not. I knew I wanted to. I knew I wanted to SO BADLY. But I did not yet know if this was God’s will or not. So I told Rob I’d have to pray about it. He thought that was a good answer and we parted that night and left it at that.

I walked into my apartment that night again on Cloud 9. I told my roommates that I so wanted to just propose to Rob. And I remember them saying, “Well, then do it.” And that’s probably the first time I took that idea seriously. (I’d always wanted to propose to a guy. I practiced a hundred times on JH, thinking that I’d never get a chance in real life to do it. He always knew they were a gag. In fact, sometimes I would play break off a relationship just to make a more dramatic engagement story. I think JH liked it. One time he almost thought I was serious. I used a real ring box and acted real serious about it. But the ring box was full of paper or paperclips or something like that. I think he was relieved that I didn’t actually pop the question.)

And that night I prayed. And I knew almost instantly that it was good and right to marry Rob. Now that he had made his decision, I could make mine and my decision was Yes!!

There’s a little more to my side of the story than this, though. My patriarchal blessing says that I should be patient in waiting to meet the right man to marry. It says he will be a righteous priesthood holder. It says he will love and cherish me. And it says that I should wait upon the voice of the Lord regarding my future husband. So I got serious about finding out what “the voice of the Lord” sounds like. I bought a book by Elder Henry B. Eyring entitled, “To Draw Nearer to God.” It talks about listening for the voice of the Lord. It says that the Spirit is the voice of the Lord and that no more evidence was needed than this. If we were in actuality to hear the Lord or see Him, we would know no better than listening to the witness of the Spirit. Before learning this principle, I had assumed I would need to have an earth-shattering experience. I would need to see lightning and hear a big booming voice. But the voice of the Lord is the Spirit and it is peace. And so I knew that night, after study and fervent prayer, that I had heard the voice of the Lord regarding my future husband: I would marry Rob.

written Spring 2006

October 6, 2000 – I Say ‘I Love You, Too’

October 6, 2000 – I Say ‘I Love You, Too’

So I prepared myself for the only decision Rob would make that I thought I would have to be prepared for: "I choose AO." It was a little sad to me that this man I had pursued so hard and had fallen in love with at first ping-pong game was about to slip away from me. But I found strength in my preparation. I realized that if Rob didn’t want me, then I didn’t want him, either.

He happened to have a Choir Retreat on Friday and wasn’t home until late. I couldn’t wait to talk to him and say my bit. Finally it came time to talk and we talked for a while. I sat down with him in the hallway/lobby outside his apartment and I told him what I’d come to. I told him that if he didn’t want me then I didn’t care, because I was confident in myself and wanted someone who wanted me. I also told him that AO was horrible for him and he knew it. I said, “Your family knows it, you know it, and I know it.” I told him that yes, I did love him, and I didn’t want to lose him. But if he didn’t want a relationship with me than get out now cause it’d be easier now than later. And I told him that I didn’t care at this point if he came back and told me that I wasn’t the one he was interested in. I would be okay with that. But he BETTER NOT tell me that he felt good about AO. He seemed impressed that I came back so strong.

So I went home and waited, hoping that Rob wanted me.

Rob: This was the night that I was baptized by fire. I had been so mixed up. AO’s mother had been calling me. I had called AO several times. The last conversation I had with AO she had told me that she knew something I didn’t know, but that she couldn’t tell me yet what it was. Really, I had become so smitten with AO over the previous summer that I was blinded to how I really felt around her. I wasn’t myself. She had burned me several times. I had put a lot of prayer and emotional energy into trying to make her happy and she didn’t want any part of it. Tamra helped me realize this.

After our conversation I went in to my room. I knelt by my bedside and knew I needed an answer. I began talking to my Father in Heaven. I shared with Him my feelings about these two young women that I felt were special. As my conversation with Him continued my thoughts and heart all began turning to focus on Tamra. Thoughts of AO dwindled and died. Thoughts of Tamra grew and my heart was filled with fire from above. I knew.

written Spring 2006