The Drive to Dayton - Rob's Career Path Explored

In my last update I promised to talk about our somewhat monumental drive up to Dayton and back ( *giggle* "somewhat monumental"). So here goes:

The set-up: Rob has been struggling with his work. A combination of work and church stresses have helped Rob start re-thinking what his priorities are and if he's "cut out" to be a scientist. If you know Rob, right now you're thinking, "What are you TALKING ABOUT, he's not CUT OUT to be a scientist? The man got his PhD!" I thought the same thing. His lack in self confidence was strange to me, especially since I think the world of him. But I couldn't just hand him my view of him to make it all better.

The drive: The drive forced us to have several daylight hours of uninterupted talk time, something of a luxury when you have 3 kids. I turned to Rob and said, "Tell me something that's NOT WORK." (An aside: "Tell me something" is my oft-asked phrase throughout our marriage. It means much more than it appears to. I also wanted to explain because "Tell me something that's not work" isn't a very well-structured sentence. Okay, moving on.)

And Rob went into how he was feeling inadequate (I knew that) and was thinking of changing career paths from the one he'd been envisioning for a while (I didn't know that). Since he'd started his PhD, he'd imagined himself doing a post doc and then working in industry. I'd asked him repeatedly if he wanted to do academics and he never has wanted the stress and lifestyle of having his own lab, so it was industry or nothing, it seemed. These have always been the only 2 options people have really talked about.

So Rob started talking about how he's now realizing how lazy he really is ("RIIIIGHT" is the correct response to that, of course) and how he's just not the type to succeed in blah blah blah. I told him that it is not a failure to say that you don't want the stress that a certain career brings; it's just knowing yourself (again, this seems obvious to me, but when you're in self-esteem-drain-land, aparently you can't see obvious things). He started coming back around to academics, but not the academics that everyone has presented him with. What about being a professor with an emphasis in teaching (instead of emphasis on lab with teaching on the side), perhaps with a lab on the side?

Well, I thought that sounded FANTASIC. For years I've been trying to convince Rob that he wants to go into academics because he wants to teach. He wasn't listening to me, though, so I stopped saying it eventually, especially since he appeared pretty settled on industry. So him coming back to teaching seemed (and seems) a very natural thing, and as a wife I felt like saying, "I told you so. You KNOW I'm always right about these things." Of course, I didn't say it (too many times) and let him instead think the whole teaching thing was completely (not) his idea. Because I'm convinced that's what good wives do.

The aftermath: Rob and I both felt really good about this new direction and I told him it will probably help him feel a lot better about his post doc. Stressful environment or not, you can survive almost anything for a year and a half if you feel there's an end (instead of feeling like the post doc was the start of the rest of his stressful career).

True to form, Rob came home a few days later saying, "Everyone that I've told about wanting to be a professor has tried to talk me out of it." I asked him who he'd talked to. A co-worker. Who else? No one. "Everyone" = 1 Co-Worker. And she didn't even try to "talk him out of it", she recognized he was thinking of other options and gave him a few more options to consider. ... I was less than nice when Rob and I sat down for our next discussion about his career path. I told him that he was NOT to come home and tell me that there are people who disagree with his choice. He should already be well-aware that people will disagree. I'd already TOLD him that there is a huge group of people who will try to spit on his future, and he should generally ignore them. At any rate, if he wasn't going to ignore them, I was not going to be sympathetic. Because I'm convinced this type of behavior is also what good wives do.

Rob shaped up and stopped coming home telling me about nay-sayers. (If you'd like to nay-say, too, you're welcome to. We welcome feedback. Really, we do. Just be ready for us (meaning me) to tell you where to stick it.)

Rob also worries a little about making less money as a professor focused on teaching. This is not my concern, but it is valid. We do have a family to take care of. And the money we're making now, while livable, kinda stinks. So he looked up a site that gives what professors at different levels average at different universities. Very useful.

Here's my input on making less money. The perks we'll get from him having a more flexible schedule and not being so stressed out (and will our kids get free/reduced tuition when they want to go to college?! That's a HUGE perk) WAY make up for the lower income. For instance, let's make-believe a future time: our kids are in school all day and Rob doesn't have to go into school until Thursdays at 2:30 p.m. I dub Thursdays "Run Around the House Naked Day." What's Run Around the House Naked Day worth? I say $10,000 a year. Add to that all the other perks I can think of, and I'm thinking it all evens out one way or another.

And that's how our Drive to Dayton went.