Random E-mail Quote

I was reading through an old e-mail to a friend. Wrote it 2 years ago, in the summer when I was in CA and had the time to write long e-mails (this should be funny to you who read my e-mails now, since you'll know that they're always way too long). Anyways, she asked me what I think about these days, and I answered with this, and I thought it was a fun response. Maybe a touch insightful. Enjoy:

You have asked me equally challenging questions. What DO I fill my thoughts with, when I'm not thinking about my kids. My husband, and how to make his life easier. ... I think a lot about our families. Decisions being made. What I agree with. What I don't. I could write an opinion collumn every week about it all. Not that that would be a positive thing. I think about how I need to be more positive. I don't think I'm a negative person. I just could handle a few less negative opinions. :)

I think about, oh, I dunno. I think about motherhood a lot. I see the struggles I've gone through. The struggles other people go through. People who do have kids, people who don't have kids, people with only one or two kids but think it's really hard and can't imagine having more. I think about people who have had 10 kids and have loved every moment and are so content with where they have been, where they are, and they'd do it all over again. I want to be like them, so I think about how I can be more like that. Young motherhood is a funny thing to me. I feel like I've carved a place out for myself as a human. And at the same time I didn't realize I had to carve out a place for myself as a mother. What kind of mother am I? What are my priorities? What do I want most for my kids? What do I NOT care about? ... I want my kids to be happy and healthy. I don't care about much else than that. I have come to a point where I don't care as much for my own personal stuff as for my family's stuff. My happiness is important. I can't survive without it. But it's most important so that I can be a good mom. I have become a sidenote, and strangely enough, I don't care. I always thought I would. I don't. Because in being forgotten, I have found myself. I am strong and powerful and I love it. I don't wonder if I'm a good mom. I don't wonder what else I could be doing with my time. I don't wonder if I could be something else fabulous if I weren't "just a mom."

Though, I suppose that doesn't answer your question. When I'm not thinking about my kids, I'm thinking about motherhood, usually, and that's about the same thing, just more abstract.