When we were teenagers I started realizing what a jerk I was. I mean, seriously! Who hates someone for being happy?! I spent years working through my psychological issues and apologizing to Keith for all the times I'd mistreated him. I spent more years as an adult trying to figure out how to be happy. For now, I've figured out how to be happy, and it's great. A friend of mine recently said, "Tamra, you're so much happier now than you were, say, a year ago. What's different?"
Let's address this. First, I'm not pregnant and I don't have an infant. Life is ... quieter than it was a year ago. Second, and this is the main point. I turned to this friend and said, "You didn't know me as a child. I was not a happy kid." At this point his eyes popped and I said, "Honestly. Call my Mom. She'll tell you. ... Everything that I know about how to be happy as a long-term thing, I've learned as an adult." For me, being happy for longer than a month is like ETERNITY. My time line is getting longer in that regard. Now I can see myself being happy for years. Truly, wonderfully happy. There was a point in my life where I would have settled for being happy for a day or even a few hours. So I'm getting much better.
And now that I'm a happy person, I look back and think about all those years of abusing my next youngest brother. I think that of all the evil things I've done in life, this act was one of the worst. I'm continually amazed that Keith still likes me, cause I would have hated me. Oh, wait. I DID hate me. Me and everyone else.
-sigh-
This all comes around to my children. Tank is very much like my brother, Keith. Tank wakes up happy, stays happy all day, and goes to bed happy. Sure, sometimes he has unhappy moments, but he's much more likely to be smiling than anything else. He's just THAT WAY.
And the world falls at Tank's feet. The other day I asked him to carry a small laundry basket downstairs for me. He said, "Sure!" He loves to help. He stalled for a minute, obviously thinking, and then put the basket at his feet, like he was going to kick it down the stairs. I told him not to do that, and he just looked at me. Then he said, "But, how will I hold on?" He looked at the hand rail and then at the basket and I thought about it, too. I wasn't actually sure how he could do both. Then he came up with a solution. He sweetly said, "Can you carry it for me?"
Well, what would YOU say to that? You'd say what I said, "Okay." Then he said, "Thanks!" and ran off to play.
I realized in that moment that Tank wasn't manipulating me. He was just approaching the world differently than I would. And the world falls at his feet BECAUSE OF HIS APPROACH. I never understood that as a kid. But as an adult I get it. For instance, I'm much more likely to say yes to a request Tank makes than a request Miciah makes. Miciah can be pushy and in-your-face and demanding (like ME). So Miciah can demand things and I'll end up saying something like, "No! You can't have it now just out of principle! And stop being so whiny about it or you'll get a long time-out, too!" ... Tank is not pushy or in-your-face or demanding. He can ask for something and I can say, "No, I don't think I want you to have that right now," and he'll say, "Well, what can I have, then?"
Elijah, if you're wondering, is somewhere in the middle. Not super sweet, but definitely not pushy. He's just kind of okay with life the way it is. He'll say, "Mom, can we do this?" And I'll say, "Yes, but maybe not today." And he'll say, "Okay. Maybe tomorrow." He's just okay with things.
Going back to Keith. When I had that moment of realization with Tank, I wondered if Miciah was bitter that the world falls at Tank's feet. She doesn't seem to be. And again I had the thought that Miciah is a much better person than I am. ... I'm sure I'll have that thought over and over throughout my life.
And, Keith. I'll say it again: I'm sorry.
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