Being Done

I've had a lot of people politely ask if Rob and I are planning on having more children.  Seems an appropriate question, since Tank will be 4 years old in July, and I thought I'd answer it publicly.  I forget who I've told and who I haven't, so I'll just give the same answer to everyone.  (A friend objected to me giving a public answer.  "It's not anyone's business but your own!"  True.  But I don't care who knows, so it's not a big deal.  Privacy is only important when you need it to be.  Besides, it's a good story.)

The short answer, if you don't care for the story, is Yes, we are done having kids.  And not just thinking about being done.  We're Done.

Now here's the story:

I go crazy when I'm pregnant.  It's not good.  For the first two pregnancies and breastfeeding periods, I wasn't sure what was going on.  But after I finished breastfeeding Baby #2, I suddenly felt like the sun started shining again.  It literally felt like I'd been living in a sort of haze for the last 18 months (that's 9 mo. of pregnancy and 9 mo. of breastfeeding), or if I'd just fully woken up from a half-dream state. 

After realizing what had happened, I turned to Rob right then and begged him to be done having kids.  I asked him to put himself in my shoes and imagine living in a haze for a year and a half, and told him I wasn't up for having another kid.  Certainly we weren't having 5 children, as was our original half-plan.  Rob, as always, was sympathetic, but pulled out the trump card:  "Let's pray about it."

I didn't want to pray about it.  I told Rob that a better idea would be to make up our minds and then tell God what we'd decided.  I said that because I knew what the answer would be.  We were supposed to have another child.

Fine.  But I made Rob PROMISE that he would let me get on drugs for the next pregnancy.  Otherwise, there was no way.  People feel differently (and often strongly) about drugs during pregnancy, and I needed to know that Rob was on my side here.  Of course he was.

Our plan was to either have 1 more child, about 2 1/2 years after Elijah was born, OR to wait 5 years and have 2 more children.  Rob really wanted 4 kids (seriously, if he were the woman, we'd have 20 kids.  The man loves babies and children!), so we decided to wait.

Clearly that didn't pan out, since only a few months before Elijah's 2nd birthday we found out that I was pregnant with child #3.  It tested our commitment to the virtue of Gratitude. 

We weren't very far into the pregnancy when I nearly broke down.  I knew Rob wanted that 4th child, and I wanted more than anything to give that to him.  But I also knew that I was falling apart.  It's unnerving to feel like you're losing your mind and can't do anything about it.  ...  Rob saw me struggling and said, "Let's pray about it."

Rob had to say it, because I was crying.  We approached our Father and, unexpectedly, Rob told him that we were thinking it was best to be done having children.  We hadn't discussed this before the prayer, and it shocked me.  But suddenly there was an overwhelming sense of peace that filled both of our hearts, and we knew.  ...  This experience is one of my most precious, in terms of communication with my Father in Heaven, and with my husband.  Rob was able to put aside his desires for that elusive 4th child and to see what was best for me and for our family, and Heavenly Father didn't hesitate for even a second to answer that prayer.  The answer was immediate, and it was undeniable.

At the first doctor's appointment, I made sure that the doctor would be okay with tying my tubes, because if he wasn't, I was going to find a doctor who was.  He said that I was a little young (he likes patients to be 30 when they decide), but that I had some good reasons.  Aside from going crazy during pregnancy, I had tried an IUD after Elijah was born, and it didn't work.  My uterus is a funny shape, and the IUD wouldn't stay in (it was a horrible experience, actually, but that's a different story).  Doc said we could try an IUD again after Baby #3 was born and I said, "Can you guarantee me that it'll work?"  He said he couldn't.  I told him that wasn't good enough, then.

I got on drugs around week 30 of pregnancy, and life was SO MUCH BETTER after that.  I started doing sane people things, like looking in the mirror, and Miciah stopped recoiling from me every time I moved (I never did hit her, but the threat of violence was nearly always present--it was a scary time).  We planned our lives for a 3rd child, since it was supposed to be so much harder than having 2 kids, and went through with C-section #3, along with a tubal ligation, in July 2006.

We learned a few things after that.  1 - Having 3 kids is way better than having 2 kids ever was.  Few people agree with me on this point, but for us, it's been awesome.  2 - Apparently I'm a wimp.  I told God, before Tank was born, that I needed a baby that I could handle (Miciah was a horrid baby).  Clearly, I couldn't handle much, because he sent me the world's most perfect baby.  I'm not complaining, of course, but I'm a little disappointed that I'm not made up of a more steely substance.

And most importantly, we learned that our family is complete.  After Elijah was born, Rob and I would talk about how many children we'd have.  We'd talk about the possibility of adopting or bringing foster children into our home.  We'd wonder how we'd know when our family was complete.  ...  After Teancom was born, all that talk went away.  Our family is Complete.

...

So that's our story.  Sometimes a friend will say to me, "Wouldn't it be sad to be done having kids?"  Umm, no.  I'm not sad about it at all.  In fact, for the first 2 years or so, I was practically giddy about being done!  Now, the giddiness is gone, and there's just peace.  The pregnancy and baby stages are over with, and, for me, that's a wonderful thing.