It's Time

Lately, a huge issue at our house has been housework.  With school on my schedule, I simply have less time to do things at home.  Less time to blog and read and chat on the internet.  Less time to do the dishes and laundry and make dinner.  So I cut back on the reading and the blogging and the chatting, and STILL couldn't find the time to do all that other stuff.

It seemed overwhelming, the amount of things I needed to get done and couldn't.  What really made things bad was that Rob would get home and say something like, "Did you water the garden today?"  When I'd tell him that I did not, I felt that his tone was always, "Well, why not?"

Why not?  Why not?  Well, let's see.  Here's a list of what I need to get done during the summer months:
Dishes
Laundry
Dinner
Watering the Gardens (seriously, this can take over an hour)
Mowing the Lawn (yes, it's my job)
Cleaning Every Room in the House
Taking the Kids Fun Places

When I was just taking care of those things, it wasn't so hard to get it all done and find the time to breathe.  But now I've added attending class and homework to the mix.  Something had to give, and it couldn't be my sanity.

So when I would sense the "Well, why not?" tone, I would feel like exploding, "Look!  I'm not just sitting around the house all day, okay?  What do you want me to do?!"  (I'll admit that sometimes I am lazy, so Rob being frustrated at what he thought could be laziness on my part has a legitimate basis.  For my birthday, for instance, I played Civilization IV for 8 hours straight.  This served 2 very useful purposes:  1 - my brain rotted out of my head for at least 48 hours, and 2 - Rob was very frustrated that I did absolutely nothing all day.)

And eventually, I sat down with Rob and we talked about it.  "Look," I said, "I'm not being lazy.  I just can't get it all done any more.  I get to the end of the day frustrated that there's still more to do."  "Welcome to my world," he responded.  (Which blew me away, I might add.  That Rob would feel like this ALL THE TIME and still keep it together?  That man is amazing.)  Then he offered to step up his game a little, and I realized that wasn't enough.  I realized that I needed a category, maybe several categories that were no longer Mine.  When he came home at night and asked why something wasn't done, I needed the ability to say, "Well, that's not my job.  Ask _____." 

So I outsourced my time.  The kids now water the gardens (though Rob and I do it sometimes, cause we love to) and help with loading and unloading the dishwasher.  Miciah and Dea clean the bathroom and do their own laundry.  I very rarely do any chore by myself any more - the kids are able to help - and I no longer occasionally do their scheduled chores for them, just to be nice.  I simply don't have the time to be nice.  And Rob was assigned Dinner because he loves dinner and I hate making dinner.

This has been great, by the way, especially with enlisting the kids' help.  I explained to them that I am now busier and that we as a family need their help.  They matured over night.  They do their chores without complaining.  They sense that they're contributing, and I think that they really like it.

What hasn't been super great is the psychological transition for Rob and me.  While Rob is super supportive of me as a mother, housewife, and student, there was still the frustrating transition period when we had to figure out what our new work loads would look like.  It led to several frustrating moments ("I TOLD you I needed help.  You said that was fine."), and one deeply shameful moment when I physically hit Rob because I was so frustrated.  That was a low moment, for sure.

I feel like it's all sorted out now.  (For the moment.  Starting Fall, Rob works 2 nights a week and the kids aren't available all day as slave labor.  We'll have to re-evaluate everything again.)  Rob and I have both apologized for not responding as fast as we'd like to a new situation.  I feel like I'm sane again.  Even if I can't get everything done, I can get the most important things done, and Rob comes home asking what he can do to help instead of wondering why I didn't get to it all.  I like the Team feeling.

I think this has been the most surprising part of attending school.  We knew things would need to be adjusted, but we didn't anticipate the psychological toll.  It's no wonder that marriages crumble when these things aren't addressed.

Love you, Rob.  And love you, kids.  You guys have been great.