December 11 – 15, 2000 – Finals Week

December 11 – 15, 2000 – Finals Week

Ick, finals. Like I said, I’d been so stressed about getting the wedding planned and doing school that I probably didn’t do a very good job at either. Nor was I particularly stable for Rob. I didn’t want Rob to go blind into our marriage, and I didn’t want him to be surprised when these other “sides” of me popped up later. So not that I planned it, but I was depressed and angry and any other thing you can think of, probably several of them at once. There were days that I thought he might call it off or days where I wondered if I was ready for all this. I wanted nothing more than to marry Rob, but I didn’t want him to look back and think it was a mistake. So he had to know that I had “issues” in some areas of my life. And he found out. I was so unstable emotionally at the time, it seemed, that he got a good spectrum of Tamra. And he still married me. What a guy!

There was once I remember when I was upset at Rob, though I don’t remember why. I went to my apartment and started playing Tetris (my universal answer for life at the time). Then, against my will, I got over it. I felt kinder towards Rob and I felt peace. And the feeling I got was that this was NOT because I deserved it; it was because Rob deserved it. This made little sense to me at the time. Later Rob told me that he had sent his guardian angel to comfort me. And I knew that that was exactly what happened. I thought it very unfair. But I was even more impressed with Rob.

Rob: I just remember that Tamra was very upset and I was concerned about her. I felt that she needed some extra help that day. I felt it very appropriate to send my angel to watch over her. After all she was going to be a part of my eternity and he should have had as much interest in protecting her as protecting me. It’s nice to know he is obedient.

During finals week I broke down a little more than normal. It was as close as I think I’ve ever been to a nervous breakdown. I was so stressed I basically couldn’t study for my finals. I told Rob about this and about how worried I was about my classes. He just hugged me and told me that the Lord knew me and he knew the stress I’d been under. He said the Lord would bless me, even though I wasn’t able to put in the study time I wanted. I was calmed by this. And it turned out to be the most academically successful semester of my college career.

Rob: Just as a side note, it was my worst ever and I spent several semesters trying to recover. It was a combination of no sleep and stress. I had several note pages with scribbled lines down them from when I had fallen asleep in class. I just remember being so tired all the time.

Rob was a calming agent in my life and a blessing to me. There was one conversation we had about how it was hard for me to forgive certain people of certain things. I got the feeling that it was not hard for Rob to forgive. I asked him how he did it and he told me the most powerful thing I’ve ever taken to heart in my life: You just do it. So profound and simple. And who would have known that it WORKS!

It seems the engagement period was to be a learning one for Rob and for me. Rob got to see more sides of me and understand more of who I was and what he was getting into. And I was given visions and insights into Rob and who he was. The visions I was given, however, were glorious and sacred to me. Shortly after we were engaged, I was given a very real glimpse of Rob and who he is. This was given to me through the Spirit and it amazed me. I remember thinking, “Who is this man?” Obviously he is great in the eyes of God and He wanted me to know that so I would be sure I was up for being his wife. I have since told Rob’s parents and siblings about this vision I was given and came to find out that most people who know Rob feel the same way: that he is special to our Heavenly Father. I went to Rob and just asked, “Who are you?” I’m sure my eyes must have been full of wonder and awe. Rob seemed to be a “normal” person, but there was nothing ordinary about what I had seen in vision. Rob at that point allowed me to read his patriarchal blessing for the first time. He is promised some amazing things in there and I was floored. I remember thinking again, “Who is this man? And why has he chosen to be with me? And am I up for the privilege of marrying him?”

As to why Rob chose me to be his wife, I don’t know. Because I’m lucky. As for if I was up to marrying him and all that would entail: definitely!! I knew it would mean dedication to the Lord and His Work, but I was ready for that. It’s what I wanted to do anyway. It might not be easy, but it would be worth it.

written Spring 2006

October 14, 2000 – That Look in Rob’s Eyes

October 14, 2000 – That Look in Rob’s Eyes

Ever since the week before when we had decided to go forward with the relationship, Rob had a certain look in his eyes. I was pretty sure that look meant he was getting ready to ask me to marry him. I also knew he hadn’t gone to the temple yet and I knew he wanted to take the decision there to think and ponder about it. I was trying to be patient and wait for him to go to the temple so he could come back and ask me to marry him.

But I was a little scared about all this. Not about marrying Rob, but about Rob for some reason not wanting to marry me. I remember telling him one day that I was afraid that Rob’s train would leave and I would miss it (okay, maybe it was worded differently than that, but I remember using the analogy of a train). And I remember Rob looking at me straight in the eye and saying, “Well, then get on.” Oh. Okay. I also told him that same day (obviously it must have been earlier in this week, like October 10th or 11th or something like that) that marrying him would be like a dream come true. And he said, “I’m not in this to make your dreams come true.” He told me he wanted to marry someone who wanted the same things in life that he wanted. And what does he want? To serve the Lord all his days. Not a bad goal. I remember thinking, “I can do that.”

So obviously we could both feel marriage on the horizon. So Saturday night after coming home from wherever we were, we stood outside those back entrance stairs and talked. I told him he had this look in his eyes and had for the last two weeks (I remember thinking it was two weeks, but obviously according to the calendar, it couldn’t possibly have been. It was only a week). I asked him what it meant. I asked Rob point blank because I wanted him to ask me to marry him. He said the look in his eyes was a question he wanted to ask me, but he didn’t feel quite ready to ask me yet. “But, hypothetically speaking, what would you say?” I remember wanting to laugh at that, but being so excited because obviously I knew what that question was and I wanted nothing more than to hear him say it. I said, “Should I pretend I don’t know what the question is?” No. But what would you say? “Well,” I said, “I’d have to think about it and pray about it.”

Of course I WANTED to shout out, “Heck yeah, and let’s get married tomorrow!” But I had learned a little in my relationship with Rob. I knew that I wanted to do this the right way. I had been praying for weeks now (again, it could be shorter than that) if I should marry Rob or not, or telling Heavenly Father that I wanted to marry Rob. And every time I would get the same answer: Rob has to make his decision first. This answer annoyed me and made me impatient. How unfair that Rob had to decide first and I was forced to wait for that decision. But I knew that’s how it should be. (Rob’s patriarchal blessing, I later found out, said that he would pick his wife and not the other way around. So my answers, then, made sense. I just didn’t realize it at the time.) So I hadn’t actually received my answer if I should marry Rob or not. I knew I wanted to. I knew I wanted to SO BADLY. But I did not yet know if this was God’s will or not. So I told Rob I’d have to pray about it. He thought that was a good answer and we parted that night and left it at that.

I walked into my apartment that night again on Cloud 9. I told my roommates that I so wanted to just propose to Rob. And I remember them saying, “Well, then do it.” And that’s probably the first time I took that idea seriously. (I’d always wanted to propose to a guy. I practiced a hundred times on JH, thinking that I’d never get a chance in real life to do it. He always knew they were a gag. In fact, sometimes I would play break off a relationship just to make a more dramatic engagement story. I think JH liked it. One time he almost thought I was serious. I used a real ring box and acted real serious about it. But the ring box was full of paper or paperclips or something like that. I think he was relieved that I didn’t actually pop the question.)

And that night I prayed. And I knew almost instantly that it was good and right to marry Rob. Now that he had made his decision, I could make mine and my decision was Yes!!

There’s a little more to my side of the story than this, though. My patriarchal blessing says that I should be patient in waiting to meet the right man to marry. It says he will be a righteous priesthood holder. It says he will love and cherish me. And it says that I should wait upon the voice of the Lord regarding my future husband. So I got serious about finding out what “the voice of the Lord” sounds like. I bought a book by Elder Henry B. Eyring entitled, “To Draw Nearer to God.” It talks about listening for the voice of the Lord. It says that the Spirit is the voice of the Lord and that no more evidence was needed than this. If we were in actuality to hear the Lord or see Him, we would know no better than listening to the witness of the Spirit. Before learning this principle, I had assumed I would need to have an earth-shattering experience. I would need to see lightning and hear a big booming voice. But the voice of the Lord is the Spirit and it is peace. And so I knew that night, after study and fervent prayer, that I had heard the voice of the Lord regarding my future husband: I would marry Rob.

written Spring 2006