BYU Mint Brownies

I normally don't post recipes, but these are some of THE FINEST brownies known to man. So good, in fact, that I'm thinking of making them tonight--and I don't make brownies from scratch (my opinion is that Betty Crocker does brownies right), I normally don't like brownies with nuts, and I prefer brownies without mint--and they're still SO GOOD!

Here it is:

BYU Mint Brownies

Sugar-n-Spice, Cougareat Food Court

MAKES ONE 9-BY-13 PAN OF BROWNIES.
PREP AND COOK: 90 min. COOL: 1 hr.

1 c. margarine
1/2 c. cocoa
2 Tbsp. honey
4 eggs
2 c. sugar
1 3/4 c. flour
1/2 Tbsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1 c. chopped walnuts
12 oz. chocolate icing (Use your own icing recipe or purchase some chocolate frosting. You can also search the Internet for chocolate icing recipes.)

MINT ICING

5 Tbsp. margarine
dash of salt
3 Tbsp. milk
1 Tbsp. light corn syrup
2 1/3 c. powdered sugar
1/2 tsp. mint extrac
t1-2 drops green food coloring

1. Melt margarine and mix in cocoa. Allow to cool. Add honey, eggs, sugar, flour, baking powder, and salt. Mix well. Add nuts. Pour batter into a greased 9-by-13 baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes. Cool.

2. Prepare mint icing: Soften margarine. Add salt, corn syrup, and powdered sugar. Beat until smooth and fluffy. Add mint extract and food coloring. Mix. Add milk gradually until the consistency is a little thinner than cake frosting.

3. Spread mint icing over brownies. Place brownies in the freezer for a short time to stiffen the icing. Remove from the freezer and carefully add a layer of chocolate icing.

(this was entirely lifted from the BYU Alumni Association's website: http://alumni.byu.edu/about/traditions/brownies.cfm )

Tamra

The Story of Thomas L. Martin

If you've been to BYU, you've seen or been in the MARB. The MARB is named for Thomas L. Martin. I knew nothing about Dr. Martin until a BYU BioAg magazine came to our home in the Spring of 2007. In it was an article about his life. His story shocked and amazed me--and inspired me. I gave it a quick paraphrasing and wanted to share the story with you.

Thomas L. Martin was born in England in 1885. He had four older siblings who had died of malnutrition because his family was so poor. His mom worked in a factory and his dad worked in the mines. A wet nurse took care of him while his mom went to work. The conditions at the wet nurse's home were horrible--his mother actually discovered maggots on his body. So she decided to stay home and take care of her baby boy.

Thomas was sick a lot. So sick, in fact, that he didn't walk until he was almost 6 years old. When he did walk he was very bowlegged and walked very low to the ground. He only ever reached a stature of 5 feet tall.

He struggled in school and after 3rd grade his schoolmaster called him "hopeless." He dropped out of school after 5th grade so he could work in the mines. His family was struggling to earn money so they could emigrate to Utah (they had converted to the LDS faith a few years before). The mine supervisor told him to go back to school--he wasn't big enough to work in the mines. Thomas was determined, though, and told the supervisor that he was a Mormon earning money to go to Utah. The supervisor let him stay.

In 1902, at 16 years old Thomas made it to Provo. He worked for another 3 years so that his parents and siblings could join him in Utah. At 19, despite deep financial strain, he went back to school--entering the 7th grade.

He graduated valedictorian of his 1912 class of BYU. His wife (another student at BYU) encouraged him to continue to pursue his dream of a PhD, saying, "We have sacrificed too much to give up on this PhD idea." He graduated with his PhD from Cornell in 1919.

He taught at BYU for 37 years and mentored many students along the way, encouraging many to go on to earn their PhD's.

The original article can be found here:

http://lifesciences.byu.edu/Magazine/Default.ASPX?ID=18

The Position of the Church on Suiside - a college paper written by Rob

This is a paper Rob wrote for his Teaching of the Living Prophets class at BYU. I think the assignment was to research and write a paper about a controversial Church topic. Rob chose suicide and then wrote this paper.

The Position of the Church on Suicide
Robert Thacker
Teachings of the Living Prophets
Religion 333, Section 15


Conclusion

From the attached research, I find the position of the Church on the issue of suicide to be: that “suicide consists in the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind. . . . Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.” (Mormon Doctrine, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1966, p. 771.)

First, it is important to recognize that suicide is seen as a very weighty sin. It is comparable to murder, and in cases where the person is fully aware if his or her actions, is viewed to be just as serious. President Spencer W. Kimball stated that, “not only is suicide a crime, but one is obligated to protect and save and prolong his own life. Not only shall we not take life, but it is obligatory upon us to give life, both by bearing children in mortality and by leading people toward eternal life by teaching, proselyting and influencing them strongly toward that end.” (Miracle of Forgiveness, Salt Lake City, Bookcraft, 1969, p. 99.)

President George Q. Cannon of the first Presidency further explains the severity of this sin. “Man did not create himself. He did not furnish his spirit with a human dwelling place. It is God who created man, both body and spirit. Man has no right, therefore, to destroy that which he had no agency in creating. They who do so are guilty of murder, self-murder it is true; but they are no more justified in killing themselves than they are in killing others. What difference of punishment there is for the two crimes, I do not know; but it is clear that no one can destroy so precious a gift as that of life without incurring a severe penalty.” (Gospel Truth, 2 vols., Salt Lake City: Zion’s Book Store, 1957, 1:30.)

The end of the statement by President Cannon brings up an important issue. If suicide is seen as being the same as murder, than isn’t this sin unpardonable? Elder M. Russell Ballard of the quorum of the twelve apostles expressed this question in a similar manner. He stated, “The purpose of our mortal lives, we know, is to prove ourselves, to eventually return to live in the celestial kingdom. One who commits suicide closes the door on all that, some have thought, consigning himself to the telestial kingdom. Or does he? . . . .The Lord said, “Thou shalt not kill.” Does that mean that every person who kills will be condemned, no matter the circumstances? Civil law recognizes that there are gradations in this matter—from accidental manslaughter to self-defense to first-degree murder. I feel that the Lord also recognizes differences in intent and circumstances. (M. Russell Ballard, “Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not,” Ensign, Oct. 1987.)

The idea of a just and merciful God has been a part of church doctrine since the restoration. The Prophet Joseph Smith supports Elder Ballard’s conclusion with the following statement about the judgment of God: “While one portion of the Human race is judging and condemning the other without mercy, the Great Parent of the universe looks upon the whole of the human family with a fatherly care and paternal regard. . . . He is a wise Lawgiver, and will judge all men, not according to the narrow, contracted notions of men, but, according to the deeds done in the body whether they be good or evil. . . . We need not doubt the wisdom and intelligence of the Great Jehovah; He will award judgment or mercy to all nations according to their several deserts, their means of obtaining intelligence, the laws by which they are governed, the facilities afforded them of obtaining correct information, and His inscrutable designs in relation to the human family; and when the designs of God shall be made manifest, and the curtain of futurity be withdrawn, we shall all of us eventually have to confess that the Judge of all the earth has done right.” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, ed. Joseph Fielding Smith, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1938, p. 218.) What a wonderful doctrine! It is a reminder of the love God has for His children and how much He wants them to return.

Elder Ballard, in the same spirit of mercy, clarified many of the possible conditions that may affect the final judgment. He asked several questions that God may consider: “Was the person who took his life mentally ill? Was he or she so deeply depressed as to be unbalanced or otherwise emotionally disturbed? Was the suicide a tragic, pitiful call for help that went unheeded too long or progressed faster than the victim intended? Did he or she somehow not understand the seriousness of the act? Was he or she suffering from a chemical imbalance that led to despair and a loss of self-control? . . . When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth. . . . The Lord will look at that person’s circumstances and the degree of his accountability at the time of the act.” (M. Russell Ballard, “Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not,” Ensign, Oct. 1987.)

Suicide continues to be an important issue today. Many of the prophets in this dispensation have discussed the reasons why so many people are falling into this trap of despair. President Spencer W. Kimball stated many things that may lead one to consider suicide: “There are people who, when finally discovered in their defalcations, in misappropriation of funds, in deep transgressions involving immorality and which affect families and friends, and in other sins, begin to think of suicide. Sometimes the temptation toward suicide comes when a person is bowed in grief at bereavement or feeling inadequate to meet and cope with the difficult situations he encounters.” ((Miracle of Forgiveness, Salt Lake City, Bookcraft, 1969, p. 130.)

President Harold B. Lee stated that it is a lack of self respect that drives a person to such an end. He said that, “when we see one devoid of respect for himself, as indicated by his conduct, his outward appearance, his speech, and his utter disregard of the basic measures of decency, then certainly we are witnessing the frightening aspect of one over whom Satan has achieved a victory.” Speaking further he spoke of a study done that tried to illuminate the reasons why so many young people commit suicide. Stating the results he said, “This was their firm conclusion after an exhaustive study: ‘The philosophy of the students who took their lives was so lacking that when a severe crisis came in their lives, they had nothing to hold fast to, and so they took the coward’s way out.’ (Harold B. Lee, “Understanding Who we are Brings Self-Respect,” Ensign, Jan. 1974.)

President Ezra Taft Benson saw these influences as being directly from Satan. He stated that, “we live, in an age when, as the Lord foretold, men’s hearts are failing them, not only physically but in spirit. (See D&C 45:26.) Many are giving up heart for the battle of life. Suicide ranks as a major cause of death of college students. As the showdown between good and evil approaches with its accompanying trials and tribulations, Satan is increasingly striving to overcome the Saints with despair, discouragement, despondency, and depression.” (Ezra Taft Benson, “Do Not Despair,” Ensign, Oct. 1986.)

Though there are many influences that may drive an individual to consider suicide, the prophets have also taught us how to remove such influences from our lives, especially focusing on the youth. The first is the wonderful power of our faith and the joy the gospel brings through righteous living. President Gordon B. Hinckley has lived through some very trying and depressing times. Speaking of one of these times, the Great Depression, he said, “It was a time of cynicism and much despair. It was the bottom of the Great Depression. The unemployment rate was above 30 percent when I was graduated in 1932. The United States and the entire world were in desperate straits. It was a time of soup lines and suicides. . . .

“It was easy to wonder about many things, to question things in life, in the world, in the Church, in aspects of the gospel. But it was also a season of gladness and a season of love. Behind such thoughts, there was for me an underlying foundation of love that came from great parents and a good family, a wonderful bishop, devoted and faithful teachers, and the scriptures to read and ponder.

“Although in our youth we had trouble understanding many things, there was in our hearts something of a love for God and his great work that carried us above any doubts and fears. We loved the Lord and we loved good and honorable friends. From such love we drew great strength.” (Hinckley, “God Hath Not Given Us the Spirit of Fear,” Ensign, Oct. 1984, 2) God grants us power to overcome our trials. He will lift us up with his love and will give us hope if we live righteously.

Keeping within the same theme of how righteous living will help overcome the influences of the world, two further practices will guide us through some of these times. President Hinckley suggests that serving in the mission field will greatly help those individuals who may be inclined to think suicidal thoughts. He is greatly concerned about the suicide rate among our young people. He stated that in order to help prevent these tragic cases “we must stay closer to our young people. The 55 percent of our young men who go on missions are probably not in [the] category [of considering suicide], but the other 45 percent may be. If we could raise the number going on missions from 55 percent to 65 percent in the next few years, we would be doing a wonderful thing for the Church and a wonderful thing for our young people.” (Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co. 1997, p. 717.)

Along the same lines President Hinckley further gave a few guidelines to solve many of the ills of modern society including violent crime, divorce, and suicide. “What is happening is simply an ugly expression of the declining values of our society. When all is said and done, the primary place in building a value system is in the homes of the people.” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Bring Up a Child in the Way He Should Go,” Ensign, Nov. 1993.)

Ezra Taft Benson enlightened us on how these values can be successfully taught in our homes. Regarding the attempts of Satan to tear down the family and the inspiration of modern prophets to combat it he stated: “with the satanic attempts to break apart the family and create disunion and strife in the home, would you be impressed with a program inaugurated by a modern prophet of the Lord some fifty years ago called the home evening program? This one-night-a-week program brings together all the members of the family for some spiritual and character guidance, a discussion of family goals and plans, a display of family talent, and games and refreshments. . . . Those members who diligently hold these home evenings are given a promised blessing by a prophet of God of what will result. Listen to this promised blessing: (Family Home Evening Manual, 1965) “Love at home and obedience to parents will increase, faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth of Israel, and they will gain power to combat the evil influences and temptations which beset them.” (Ezra Taft Benson, “Listen to a Prophet’s Voice,” Ensign, Jan. 1973.)

These are the teachings of the prophets and apostles of the Lord. Suicide is a very serious sin, yet we, as imperfect as we are, are not in a position to judge others. Only God can fairly judge each individual based upon circumstances and experiences in their life. We, as a membership, can help prevent this terrible tragedy through watchful eyes and hearts, as well as through properly teaching the youth of today how to avoid the pitfalls and find joy in the truth, as well as in life. It is wonderful to have modern prophets to help us understand some of the larger questions that face us, whether it be in life or death.

Personal Insights

Suicide. What a terrible tragedy. It is so terrible, not only because of the loss of a precious life, but also because of the victims that are left behind. Those that continue on are left with questions, concerns, and often despair as they ponder the welfare and eternal potential of their now gone loved one.

The question about suicide first came into my mind many years ago. My sister had gone through a divorce, wherein her then husband had been verbally abusive, partially physically abusive, and had been unfaithful. The resulting depression and lack of confidence in herself took a tremendous hold upon her. She wasn’t the same, beautifully confident young women who I had known when we were at home with our parents. I didn’t realize the extent of the damage until it was all over.

I was speaking to her one day, after she had gotten the divorce, when she shared with me how during that time she had contemplated suicide. In spite of her circumstances and the resulting depression she knew, deep inside, that suicide was wrong and that suicide could not solve her problems.

In a desperate attempt to gain control over her life she turned to the scriptures. She found the comforting words of Alma, spoken about the Savior: “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” (Alma 7: 11-12.)

She found tremendous comfort in the words, “that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” She knew that at least one person understood her pain. She knew that her Savior understood her pain. She was filled with His love and was given the strength to endure the tremendous hardship in her life.

Since this time I have learned that depression runs in my family. My grandfather, who is one of the happiest people I know, suffers from depression. He has wonderfully lived the principles of the gospel and used these teaching to give him hope. Anyone who has just met him would never think that depression was a part of his life. I myself have a tendency to get down on myself from time to time, and become self critical. I have learned over the years that I have control over this aspect of my life. I have the choice on a daily basis to be happy or to let the troubles of the world tear me down. I firmly believe that everyone can have this same control, though I understand it may be much more difficult for some than for others. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to control this if I truly suffered from a chemical imbalance.

I haven’t been extremely close to anyone who has committed suicide, but I have a few acquaintances who have taken their own lives. Just this past summer a young man, with whom I had sung in Concert Choir, took his own life. He seemed just like the rest of us. Nobody would have ever suspected. I never recognized how much of a problem it has become in our church society and culture. Many youth who are calm and collected on the outside are perhaps screaming on the inside.

Life is a wonderful thing. It is a tremendous gift that God has bestowed upon us, to learn and grow. I need all the time I can get. Yet, it is wonderful to recognize that God doesn’t immediately consign people who take their own life to the telestial kingdom to spend eternity among the other murders. I can take comfort in knowing that God will be fair and just. This doctrine helps me understand, more than anything else, the tremendous love our Father in Heaven has for His children. Only a loving Father is willing to learn all the details and circumstances and then judge us accordingly.

December 18, 2000 – Rob’s Family Arrives

December 18, 2000 – Rob’s Family Arrives

My family came in town the Saturday after Finals. Rob and I both had to be out of our apartments some time that weekend or the next week, so we packed up our stuff and I stayed with B and J, and Rob stayed with someone else, though I don’t remember who. Probably Grandma Thacker.

Rob’s family was supposed to arrive December 17th, but they were delayed by a snow storm that shut down parts of the highway they were coming in on, I-80. They went to church in the morning and because they went to church, they stalled long enough that they weren’t caught in a horrible snow storm later in the day Sunday. I was impressed that it worked out that way for them. Whether it was the Spirit that helped protect them or just their righteous desire to go to church, it didn’t matter. They were spiritual people.

They arrived on Monday. Rob’s mom and dad got to B and J’s apartment, where Rob and I were, when I was getting my hair cut. My mom cut Rob’s hair first. I was a little bummed that the big moment of me meeting his family had to be spoiled by a haircut. Not very romantic like in the movies, you know? But it was good to finally meet the people I’d come to know only over the phone.

I remember when they were going out to the car. I ran and jumped on Rob’s back for a piggy back ride. Rob’s dad laughed and said that it was good, I would keep him on his toes.

written Spring 2006

December 11 – 15, 2000 – Finals Week

December 11 – 15, 2000 – Finals Week

Ick, finals. Like I said, I’d been so stressed about getting the wedding planned and doing school that I probably didn’t do a very good job at either. Nor was I particularly stable for Rob. I didn’t want Rob to go blind into our marriage, and I didn’t want him to be surprised when these other “sides” of me popped up later. So not that I planned it, but I was depressed and angry and any other thing you can think of, probably several of them at once. There were days that I thought he might call it off or days where I wondered if I was ready for all this. I wanted nothing more than to marry Rob, but I didn’t want him to look back and think it was a mistake. So he had to know that I had “issues” in some areas of my life. And he found out. I was so unstable emotionally at the time, it seemed, that he got a good spectrum of Tamra. And he still married me. What a guy!

There was once I remember when I was upset at Rob, though I don’t remember why. I went to my apartment and started playing Tetris (my universal answer for life at the time). Then, against my will, I got over it. I felt kinder towards Rob and I felt peace. And the feeling I got was that this was NOT because I deserved it; it was because Rob deserved it. This made little sense to me at the time. Later Rob told me that he had sent his guardian angel to comfort me. And I knew that that was exactly what happened. I thought it very unfair. But I was even more impressed with Rob.

Rob: I just remember that Tamra was very upset and I was concerned about her. I felt that she needed some extra help that day. I felt it very appropriate to send my angel to watch over her. After all she was going to be a part of my eternity and he should have had as much interest in protecting her as protecting me. It’s nice to know he is obedient.

During finals week I broke down a little more than normal. It was as close as I think I’ve ever been to a nervous breakdown. I was so stressed I basically couldn’t study for my finals. I told Rob about this and about how worried I was about my classes. He just hugged me and told me that the Lord knew me and he knew the stress I’d been under. He said the Lord would bless me, even though I wasn’t able to put in the study time I wanted. I was calmed by this. And it turned out to be the most academically successful semester of my college career.

Rob: Just as a side note, it was my worst ever and I spent several semesters trying to recover. It was a combination of no sleep and stress. I had several note pages with scribbled lines down them from when I had fallen asleep in class. I just remember being so tired all the time.

Rob was a calming agent in my life and a blessing to me. There was one conversation we had about how it was hard for me to forgive certain people of certain things. I got the feeling that it was not hard for Rob to forgive. I asked him how he did it and he told me the most powerful thing I’ve ever taken to heart in my life: You just do it. So profound and simple. And who would have known that it WORKS!

It seems the engagement period was to be a learning one for Rob and for me. Rob got to see more sides of me and understand more of who I was and what he was getting into. And I was given visions and insights into Rob and who he was. The visions I was given, however, were glorious and sacred to me. Shortly after we were engaged, I was given a very real glimpse of Rob and who he is. This was given to me through the Spirit and it amazed me. I remember thinking, “Who is this man?” Obviously he is great in the eyes of God and He wanted me to know that so I would be sure I was up for being his wife. I have since told Rob’s parents and siblings about this vision I was given and came to find out that most people who know Rob feel the same way: that he is special to our Heavenly Father. I went to Rob and just asked, “Who are you?” I’m sure my eyes must have been full of wonder and awe. Rob seemed to be a “normal” person, but there was nothing ordinary about what I had seen in vision. Rob at that point allowed me to read his patriarchal blessing for the first time. He is promised some amazing things in there and I was floored. I remember thinking again, “Who is this man? And why has he chosen to be with me? And am I up for the privilege of marrying him?”

As to why Rob chose me to be his wife, I don’t know. Because I’m lucky. As for if I was up to marrying him and all that would entail: definitely!! I knew it would mean dedication to the Lord and His Work, but I was ready for that. It’s what I wanted to do anyway. It might not be easy, but it would be worth it.

written Spring 2006

November 17 and 18, 2000 – Men’s Chorus Concerts

November 17 and 18, 2000 – Men’s Chorus Concerts

Men’s Chorus has a following: all the girlfriends of the men in Men’s Chorus. I went to virtually every rehersal that semester, once Rob and I were serious. I would bring my homework and do that for an hour while I listened. It was very fun. And so I knew just about every song they sang word-for-word. I knew when they were off and when they were on. I knew when a part didn’t come in or a section missed their note. It was fun to have the time to go to so many of Rob’s things. Rob loves music.

I don’t remember much about the Men’s Chorus Concert. I know that in their combined concert at the start of the year they stole the show (like they do every year). They walked in singing “Stouthearted Men” and the audience went wild. Men’s Chorus always is the favorite.

written Spring 2006

October 29, 2000 – Grandma and Grandpa D’s Combined B-day Party

October 29, 2000 – Grandma and Grandpa D’s Combined B-day Party

This was my first “meet the family” session. Every one of Rob's aunts on the D's side was there and all their families. I was a little worried about how they’d like me and how they’d treat me, but I had already met Becky and Grandma D, so I wasn’t too worried about it.

I only remember one thing about this night. Grandma D yelled at Rob for not telling her sooner that we were engaged. She called him rude and asked if he had been this rude on his mission, cause if he had been, he never would have had anyone to teach because he was so rude. Rude? Not telling her we were engaged? Rudeness is telling someone off because they didn’t tell you that they were engaged. All I could think was that she needed a lesson on what real rudeness is. And then she turned to me and said, “You better keep him in line.” And she walked off. I was appalled and confused. Did we know the same Rob Thacker? The kindest, gentlest, least rude person in the world? Rob just said some line about how that’s just how Grandma D is and I wondered how people put up with her.

Since then we’ve become friends, her and I. It took a little patience on both our parts, a little understanding on my part to be tolerant, and a little understanding on her part to not push the line. I let her know that if she scratched, I would bite and I would win. I didn’t do anything rude, I just don’t put up with her telling off the people I love. It also took a lot of prayer and service on my part. I needed a softer heart to see how good and kind and wonderful Grandma D is. She has a heart of gold.

written Spring 2006

October 27, 2000 – Halloween Dance

October 27, 2000 – Halloween Dance

The Halloween Dance was with our ward and a few others. It was fun. Rob and I, of course, went as a couple and I was dressed up in my Navy sailor outfit that I adore and Rob, I think, was just in jeans and a white shirt. I don’t think he had a costume. Who brings a Halloween costume to college with them? But it was SO FUN to dance with Rob again. We did a lot of swing stuff that we couldn’t do the week before at Homecoming because I was in a long dress that didn’t really allow me to move like that. So we danced and danced and Rob sweated and sweated.

I remember that one guy came up to me to dance with me while Rob was doing something else like going to the bathroom or something. The guy was apparently a dancer on one of the BYU dance teams, and he was pretty quick to let you know that. He told me that he had seen me dancing and obviously I was pretty good. I laughed and told him that I didn’t know any dance moves at all, and Rob had been teaching me. Really, Rob looks good and I get to benefit from that. He was not impressed and essentially stopped talking to me right then, which made the rest of the song a little awkward. I just thought, “I don’t care. I’m here with the guy I’m going to marry and that’s not you.”

Once Rob and I were engaged, real life seemed to hit me and our courtship slowed down a lot. We were still together nearly everyday all day, but it wasn’t the same going out and doing things that it had been before. Now we had to think about realistic things like me getting a pre-marital check-up with a GYN, and us finding an apartment, and what would our finances be like after we were married, and finding a reception hall for the wedding, and were we going to start trying immediately to have kids or would we wait. Real life is not near as exciting as the rollercoaster, heart-on-a-platter, falling-in-love romance. But it does have to be dealt with, none-the-less.

So we dealt with real life. We found an apartment at King Henry (the smallest apartment you’ve ever seen) and I put down the money for it. We decided I would have to get a job after we got married, so we could survive life. I had not previously had a job while attending college. And I started frantically making wedding plans, which is no fun at all. I put Rob’s mom in charge of the reception in Ohio, my parents in charge of whatever they wanted to do in California, and I asked J to help with the reception in Utah and the wedding announcements. She was the only person I knew who had been married somewhat recently and had done all the reception stuff, plus she said she could help make announcements. Coordinating all these efforts was a monstrous task and I probably didn’t help matters, since I was so stressed out about all of it plus going to school that I about shut down. I would play Tetris on the old school original Nintendo that Chanel had brought with her from home. I would play for hours and hours and hours. I got really good: Level 18, Line 182. I don’t know of anyone who has done better [comment from Oct. 2008: and I've beat that by 10 lines since then]. And I was on the phone almost constantly, much to the annoyance of my roommates who could never use it because I was always on it. There was just so much to do.

And the idea of having to talk to Rob, this man I had only known for 2 months, about things like kids and sex and school was really weird to me. Of course I knew when we were married, those things would come, but talking to Rob about it was awkward for me. We had only known each other a short time, and while we were attracted to each other and kissed and things, our relationship was not sexual and so it was odd thinking about it in those terms. But we talked anyway because we needed to. We decided that we would put off trying for children until I had finished school. This was obviously the wisest decision to make. I knew in my heart that I would not be able to accomplish going to school and raising a child, so it was one or the other. And though I agreed to that decision, deep down I wondered about it. Were we really supposed to wait? But that’s what we decided, so it was fine. And it really did make sense.

So I went to the GYN that J suggested. I didn’t like him at all, but I did like the nurse I saw. It was my first pap smear and that part I didn’t mind so much as what the nurse had to do to figure out my uterus is tipped. That was very painful and I think I was saying ‘ow’ for about half an hour afterwards. The GYN brought Rob in from the waiting room where he was waiting through the exam so he could talk to us about which kinds of birth control there are and also so he could talk to us about sex. Again, awkward. He gave us a little phamplet book thing that he had co-authored about sex and marriage. He asked us both to read it individually so we would know what to expect. It was more information than I wanted to know, but it was helpful to not go in blind. Though I don’t think I was blind about it all. Anyways. Rob and I decided in the doctor’s office to start me on the pill. I would start it in a few days to time my period right for the wedding and have it be effective by the time we needed it to be. Fine, fine.

But it wasn’t fine. Those few days were some of the longest of my life. I have recorded this story in several other places, so I will give the short version here. I felt Miciah’s presence. Not that I knew it was Miciah, but I knew it was my first child. And the child was always there. This weighed on me and weighed on me. The child wasn’t a pest, he or she just wanted me to know they were there and they wanted to come down as quickly as possible. The child was always smiling and would very gently and sweetly say, “Mom.” I would sometimes say, “What?” in response. There never was a response, just that same smile. I remember one instance in particular in my room, looking up at the ceiling and saying, “Stop. I get it. I know you’re there. Just leave me alone. I have to study,” or something to that effect. My roommate must have thought I was crazy. I knew I wasn’t crazy, and I knew that we couldn’t delay having children. Not with this child so desperately wanting to come down to us.

But how could I bring that up with Rob? He knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to tell him what it was. I thought he would be disappointed in me for going back on the decision. It was the day before I was to start taking the birth control, so we needed to talk. We talked, though Rob had to coax just about everything out of me. I told him I felt this presence and I couldn’t shake it, but the light in my eyes was gone and I couldn’t function without it and I just wanted to cry and, and, and. It’s a little funny now to think about. And that spirit is still how my sweet daughter, Miciah, is today. Nice and sweet, but insistent to get her way. … I felt like my life would end if we didn’t make the right decision, so Rob very sweetly offered a prayer. And after this prayer we knew what decision we needed to make. I was so grateful that Rob was understanding and wanted to listen to the Lord. He had not felt the same impressions as I had, but he trusted me and he trusted the Lord, though neither of us knew how we would make this work.

Rob: I am very grateful for this experience. I believe it established a pattern in our marriage that we have tried to follow. We knew we could receive answers from our Father in Heaven. He was interested in our marriage. I also hoped it help Tamra know that she could and should approach me about any concerns she ever had. The answer that evening was very strong. There was no question in my mind what our course of action needed to be.

Of course we know how this story ends. We were married and 10 short months later Miciah joined our family. I knew from the beginning that she was full of a love for life and that she wanted to be on earth at this time in our family. And it’s awful nice to know all that. Looking back on how life has gone, I can’t imagine if we had waited. We did the right thing for us and that’s also nice to know. When people find out how soon Miciah joined our family, they will occasionally ask if she was unplanned or a “mistake” as it’s sometimes put. It almost makes me want to laugh. If they only knew how insistent she was to get down here. And it is nice to answer, with full conviction, that no, just the opposite, she was asking to come down. Why did we have Miciah so early in our marriage? Because it’s what Miciah wanted, and what the Lord wanted for us.

written Spring 2006

October 19, 20, and 21, 2000 – Homecoming Weekend

October 19, 20, and 21, 2000 – Homecoming Weekend

Rob performed with the Men’s Chorus for the Homecoming Spectacular on Thursday and Friday. I went to see him one of those days. I don’t remember much about it, and what I think I remember could be a combination of about 3 years of going to the Spectacular. I might have gone with Lorelie; I might have done that the year before. Rob might have joined me for the last half of the show; that might have been one of the years after. I don’t remember. But I’m sure, either way, that I walked home with Rob that night.

Rob had been really wanting to go to Homecoming. I’m not sure why, he just likes Homecoming. So we went with B and his date (I don’t remember her name) and Rob’s old companion from his mission, Jeff W, and his fiancé sort of. I have blocked out their names as a means of self-preservation. I was not a fan of him. First, he was goofy looking. Second, he was engaged to this girl, but not really. He hadn’t officially proposed, but they both knew he was going to eventually. So she was his fiancé but not quite. This caused me to dislike him a lot and feel sorry for her for taking it. Obviously this was not the kind of guy that I would marry.

Anyways, the night started with all 6 of us at my apartment. Rob made dinner for us. Maybe all the guys did, I don’t remember. But I do remember that Rob tried to make us the closest version of quark that he could come up with, without having quark on-hand. I was not impressed with it. Nor with the description: “Like yogurt but thicker and it coats the inside of your mouth and teeth. You have to add a lot of sugar to it to make it good.” Well, why not just eat yogurt then? It wasn’t bad, though, and the meal was pleasant.

Rob seemed to really like my dress. I wore the army green dress with embroidered flowers all down the front. It’s very pretty but not actually my size, so I wear it with a string for a belt. It was also one of the first times that Rob had seen me all decked out in make-up, too. It was nice to see that Rob was enchanted with me. When I don’t dress up often, it’s nice to see it rewarded so nicely.

The dance we went to was in Spanish Fork, I think. We got to ride on a horse-drawn “carriage” as it was advertised. Really, it was a horse pulling a big wagon (like the kind that you put hay on for hayrides) and they went around a block or two.

Rob: They did only go around a block or two but it was not a hay ride. Girls were in formals so it was better than a hay ride wagon. It was a small carriage. I thought it was kind of fun.

It was lame and we waited in line way too long for something so lame. But it was fun to be at the dance with my fiancé and watch him burn up the dance floor. Rob is good. B was a little jealous, I think, of Rob stealing the show. It’s not that Rob means to do it, his personality just tends to take over things. I enjoyed all Rob’s spunky craziness. And I loved wearing my ring, which we had finally gotten back from the jewelers that day.

written Spring 2006

October 16, 2000 – Purchased the Rings

October 16, 2000 – Purchased the Rings

Homecoming was the coming-up weekend and Rob and I were going. So the weekend was out for picking out rings. So we went to the mall on a Monday to get our wedding rings. My proposal had been so spur-of-the-moment that I didn’t have rings to present to Rob. Besides, can a girl pick out her own wedding ring to put on her finger? I wanted Rob to be with me as we made this decision. Because it was OUR decision and that’s how it should be (not my decision and not his, but ours).

After going to just about every jewelry store in the mall and realizing that most rings look the same, I finally figured out what I wanted. I didn’t want to have to go into debt for these rings. I’m sure Rob would have been okay with doing that, but I was not. Why start our marriage in debt over a piece of jewelry? And I also had never wanted a diamond. How cliché. So we decided on matching bands and found two that weren’t the same but close and they were beautiful. The ring I really wanted for me was the gold with the platinum one and to give Rob the three colors of gold one. The platinum ring was bold! But as it turns out, the tri-gold ring looked better on me and the bold look was great for Rob. The tri-gold ring on Rob made him look too femmy.

The only problem with my ring was that it was a man’s band. Size 10. Rob’s was almost perfectly sized, but mine needed some major adjusting. We were sent to a jeweler who makes his own jewelry. My ring was flat and I wanted it to stay flat because I liked the look of it and it matched Rob’s. But for him to size it down to a 7, he’d have to either take out one or two sections of the gold pieces and throw the pattern off or squeeze it down and round it. We decided to round it. Slightly disappointing for me, but again, the ring was just a ring.

The bummer about the whole re-sizing thing was that I didn’t have a ring for a week! No one believed me that I was engaged. I had been telling my friends for so long that I wanted to marry Rob that when I came to class and told them I was engaged to him, they just said, “Yeah, right.” No, really! Where’s your ring? I needed the ring. And there was the debate: Should Rob wear his ring? I wanted him to. If it’s just a symbol, wasn’t Rob now just as “taken” as he would be after we had the wedding day? And should I wear my ring? I wanted to. But we had a few people tell us that since it was a wedding band and not an engagement ring I shouldn’t wear it until the wedding day. I thought that was ridiculous. So we compromised. I wore my ring (when I got it back re-sized), and occasionally Rob would wear his ring, just because I asked.

written Spring 2006

October 15, 2000 – We’re Engaged!

October 15, 2000 – We’re Engaged!

Sunday was a long day. I remember in church talking to one of Rob’s FHE sisters, I don’t remember her name. But she asked if Rob and I were going to get married. I told her it was definitely headed that way. She was excited for me, though not as excited as I was for me!

Sunday night Rob was at my apartment just hanging out. He decided he wanted to leave early so that he could get to bed earlier than we’d been getting to bed. I think it was around 10:30 p.m. when he started to walk out of the apartment. I practically begged him to stay. Our usual routine was to be in my apartment until curfew (10 on weekdays and 11 on weeknights, if I remember right) and then out in the hallway until the building curfew (11 on weeknights and midnight on weekends). So we moved out into the hallway. I objected the whole time and he was telling me about how tired he was and that he had to work insanely early (he had to wake up at like 4:00 a.m.). He’d been falling asleep in his classes and not been performing up to par. He needed sleep. I told him I didn’t want him to go. By this time we were in the laundry room in the basement of Bowen Hall. He said, “You know I need to go.” I said, “I don’t want you to leave.” He said maybe someday he wouldn’t have to leave. I told him, “I don’t mean tonight. I don’t want you to go ever.” He kind of half-smiled and said, “Tamra T------, are you proposing to me?” I grabbed him by the collar and shook him a little as I almost shouted, “Yes. I want to marry you!”

Very romantic, huh? There were bras hanging up in the laundry room, something we still joke about. And my method of asking wasn’t exactly suave. But I knew what I wanted and so I asked my question.

Rob then closed his eyes while we were standing there. I said, “I’ve never proposed to anyone before. Is this a good sign?” He said, “Shh. I’m praying.” Oh. Oops. I was super nervous. I almost wanted to say, “No! Don’t pray! Just say yes!” But I didn’t. I knew I wanted this to be right, even if that meant losing Rob. I think it was the longest prayer he’s ever said, or at least it seemed that way to me. Finally he opened his eyes and said, “I’ll marry you if you’ll marry me.”

I was so happy! And then, after this moment of elation, suddenly reality set in. When? Where? What details? My goodness. It was a little bit of a let down to have to think about reality after riding in the clouds. But of course reality has to be taken care of. We didn’t decide much that night.

I went back into my apartment and said, “I’m engaged!” They were all so happy for me and immediately got down a calendar and told me which times would work for them and which wouldn’t. In the end, I scheduled a bad time for two of them, but whose wedding was this anyway? It was cute that they were so supportive. And then I called my parents. It was almost midnight by the time my phone call reached them. So they were asleep. I just figured something like an engagement shouldn’t wait until morning. Dad picked up the phone. I told him I was engaged! If you want someone to reacted excitedly, don’t pick my dad as that person. He said, “Great. Change your mind and call me back in the morning.”

written Spring 2006

October 14, 2000 – That Look in Rob’s Eyes

October 14, 2000 – That Look in Rob’s Eyes

Ever since the week before when we had decided to go forward with the relationship, Rob had a certain look in his eyes. I was pretty sure that look meant he was getting ready to ask me to marry him. I also knew he hadn’t gone to the temple yet and I knew he wanted to take the decision there to think and ponder about it. I was trying to be patient and wait for him to go to the temple so he could come back and ask me to marry him.

But I was a little scared about all this. Not about marrying Rob, but about Rob for some reason not wanting to marry me. I remember telling him one day that I was afraid that Rob’s train would leave and I would miss it (okay, maybe it was worded differently than that, but I remember using the analogy of a train). And I remember Rob looking at me straight in the eye and saying, “Well, then get on.” Oh. Okay. I also told him that same day (obviously it must have been earlier in this week, like October 10th or 11th or something like that) that marrying him would be like a dream come true. And he said, “I’m not in this to make your dreams come true.” He told me he wanted to marry someone who wanted the same things in life that he wanted. And what does he want? To serve the Lord all his days. Not a bad goal. I remember thinking, “I can do that.”

So obviously we could both feel marriage on the horizon. So Saturday night after coming home from wherever we were, we stood outside those back entrance stairs and talked. I told him he had this look in his eyes and had for the last two weeks (I remember thinking it was two weeks, but obviously according to the calendar, it couldn’t possibly have been. It was only a week). I asked him what it meant. I asked Rob point blank because I wanted him to ask me to marry him. He said the look in his eyes was a question he wanted to ask me, but he didn’t feel quite ready to ask me yet. “But, hypothetically speaking, what would you say?” I remember wanting to laugh at that, but being so excited because obviously I knew what that question was and I wanted nothing more than to hear him say it. I said, “Should I pretend I don’t know what the question is?” No. But what would you say? “Well,” I said, “I’d have to think about it and pray about it.”

Of course I WANTED to shout out, “Heck yeah, and let’s get married tomorrow!” But I had learned a little in my relationship with Rob. I knew that I wanted to do this the right way. I had been praying for weeks now (again, it could be shorter than that) if I should marry Rob or not, or telling Heavenly Father that I wanted to marry Rob. And every time I would get the same answer: Rob has to make his decision first. This answer annoyed me and made me impatient. How unfair that Rob had to decide first and I was forced to wait for that decision. But I knew that’s how it should be. (Rob’s patriarchal blessing, I later found out, said that he would pick his wife and not the other way around. So my answers, then, made sense. I just didn’t realize it at the time.) So I hadn’t actually received my answer if I should marry Rob or not. I knew I wanted to. I knew I wanted to SO BADLY. But I did not yet know if this was God’s will or not. So I told Rob I’d have to pray about it. He thought that was a good answer and we parted that night and left it at that.

I walked into my apartment that night again on Cloud 9. I told my roommates that I so wanted to just propose to Rob. And I remember them saying, “Well, then do it.” And that’s probably the first time I took that idea seriously. (I’d always wanted to propose to a guy. I practiced a hundred times on JH, thinking that I’d never get a chance in real life to do it. He always knew they were a gag. In fact, sometimes I would play break off a relationship just to make a more dramatic engagement story. I think JH liked it. One time he almost thought I was serious. I used a real ring box and acted real serious about it. But the ring box was full of paper or paperclips or something like that. I think he was relieved that I didn’t actually pop the question.)

And that night I prayed. And I knew almost instantly that it was good and right to marry Rob. Now that he had made his decision, I could make mine and my decision was Yes!!

There’s a little more to my side of the story than this, though. My patriarchal blessing says that I should be patient in waiting to meet the right man to marry. It says he will be a righteous priesthood holder. It says he will love and cherish me. And it says that I should wait upon the voice of the Lord regarding my future husband. So I got serious about finding out what “the voice of the Lord” sounds like. I bought a book by Elder Henry B. Eyring entitled, “To Draw Nearer to God.” It talks about listening for the voice of the Lord. It says that the Spirit is the voice of the Lord and that no more evidence was needed than this. If we were in actuality to hear the Lord or see Him, we would know no better than listening to the witness of the Spirit. Before learning this principle, I had assumed I would need to have an earth-shattering experience. I would need to see lightning and hear a big booming voice. But the voice of the Lord is the Spirit and it is peace. And so I knew that night, after study and fervent prayer, that I had heard the voice of the Lord regarding my future husband: I would marry Rob.

written Spring 2006

October 13, 2000 – Ward Talent Show

October 13, 2000 – Ward Talent Show

Not much happened at the Ward Talent Show. I read one of my works: For Those With Non Talent Show Talents. Rob was one of the main Activities Committee members, so he was in charge of putting it on, so he didn’t perform. He just moved pianos and stuff. One of my roommates, Chanel, turned to me and said, “Your boyfriend has a nice butt.” I agreed with her. I still remember Rob was wearing his white ribbed shirt and jeans. He’s so good looking. And I’ve always liked his butt.

Incidentally, I was under Rob in my calling. Rob was the Activities Committee Chair over service. I got called to the activities committee and all of us got a choice as to where we wanted to serve. I don’t remember what all the groups were, but there were three groups and I chose to go with service. I remember that meeting for a few reasons. First, I was pretty upset when people assumed I was choosing service because Rob was over that area. I debated choosing service because I knew that’s what people would think. But that’s not why I chose it. In fact, Rob being over that group was a reason why NOT to choose that, because I knew my intentions would be misinterpreted.

The other reasons I remember that meeting have to do with Rob. I remember asking Rob if I could see his planner. His planner is bright blue, red, and yellow, not the kind of planner I’d expect to see in Rob’s hands. I was impressed. And I remember what happened after the meeting. We were in the basement and before we walked upstairs I told Rob that I didn’t choose to be in his group because of him. He said he knew that. And then we walked up the stairs. I’m sure we were still flirting. I walked up right before him and he used that planner to give me a playful swat on the butt. I was not happy. I turned to him and chewed him out. “Why did you do that?” Rob didn’t say anything. “Why did you do that?” He said, “I dunno. I was just playing.” I told him that my personal space was my personal space and he wasn’t invited into it. I let him know that I did not think that was funny and I expected him to never do something like that again. … Rob was floored. I think he was apologizing to me for weeks. It was funny. But I set the standard that day and I have not ever regretted doing so. Rob knew where I stood and what I would and would not tolerate. There can’t be anything bad about that.

Actually, when I went to my temple recommend interview with Bishop Freeze, he asked if there was anything inappropriate in my relationship with Rob. I told him there wasn’t and told him that story. He laughed and said that was a little over the top, maybe. But that’s a better reaction than what I would have received if Rob and I had things to work out with a Priesthood holder.

written Spring 2006

October 7, 2000 – Moving on Ahead

October 7, 2000 – Moving on Ahead

I remember the night being really long. I was anxious to hear what Rob had decided and felt several times like calling and asking how it went. Rob and I had to get together that day for something, I don’t remember what (he might have just been going somewhere and I followed him out the door and walked him to his car or something). But I remember we were walking out of the apartment and were in the space between his door and the outside door when we talked. He told me that he had decided to pursue the relationship to see where it went. He didn’t know if that meant marriage, but he was willing to see the relationship through. I told him I felt the same way. We both felt that maybe we were moving toward marriage, but we weren’t sure yet.

I was so happy! I remember telling him, “Good. Because if you had come back and said you’d decided on AO, I would have been so ticked off.”

So again, our relationship was given the green light.

By this point in my life I had started telling people that it was my new goal in life to marry Rob Thacker. I couldn’t stop thinking about him or talking about him and I’m sure my friends were very annoyed.

written Spring 2006

October 6, 2000 – I Say ‘I Love You, Too’

October 6, 2000 – I Say ‘I Love You, Too’

So I prepared myself for the only decision Rob would make that I thought I would have to be prepared for: "I choose AO." It was a little sad to me that this man I had pursued so hard and had fallen in love with at first ping-pong game was about to slip away from me. But I found strength in my preparation. I realized that if Rob didn’t want me, then I didn’t want him, either.

He happened to have a Choir Retreat on Friday and wasn’t home until late. I couldn’t wait to talk to him and say my bit. Finally it came time to talk and we talked for a while. I sat down with him in the hallway/lobby outside his apartment and I told him what I’d come to. I told him that if he didn’t want me then I didn’t care, because I was confident in myself and wanted someone who wanted me. I also told him that AO was horrible for him and he knew it. I said, “Your family knows it, you know it, and I know it.” I told him that yes, I did love him, and I didn’t want to lose him. But if he didn’t want a relationship with me than get out now cause it’d be easier now than later. And I told him that I didn’t care at this point if he came back and told me that I wasn’t the one he was interested in. I would be okay with that. But he BETTER NOT tell me that he felt good about AO. He seemed impressed that I came back so strong.

So I went home and waited, hoping that Rob wanted me.

Rob: This was the night that I was baptized by fire. I had been so mixed up. AO’s mother had been calling me. I had called AO several times. The last conversation I had with AO she had told me that she knew something I didn’t know, but that she couldn’t tell me yet what it was. Really, I had become so smitten with AO over the previous summer that I was blinded to how I really felt around her. I wasn’t myself. She had burned me several times. I had put a lot of prayer and emotional energy into trying to make her happy and she didn’t want any part of it. Tamra helped me realize this.

After our conversation I went in to my room. I knelt by my bedside and knew I needed an answer. I began talking to my Father in Heaven. I shared with Him my feelings about these two young women that I felt were special. As my conversation with Him continued my thoughts and heart all began turning to focus on Tamra. Thoughts of AO dwindled and died. Thoughts of Tamra grew and my heart was filled with fire from above. I knew.

written Spring 2006

October 5, 2000 – Jazz Concert and ‘I Love Two Girls’

October 5, 2000 – Jazz Concert and ‘I Love Two Girls’

Rob and I went to the BYU Jazz Concert. One of his roommates, Rhett, performed in it, but that’s not why we went.

On the way home, I was having enough strong feelings for Rob that I felt ready to say those three little words that mean so much. So I was standing with Rob near the stairs to his apartment and I told him I was about ready in our relationship to tell him something. So he knew what I was going to say. And he said, “Before you say that, I have something to tell you.” We sat down on the steps and talked for over an hour, I’m sure, perhaps much longer than that. I remember Rhett had time to walk by us with his instrument in tow and some of his roommates walked back out the door, too. I know it was past 11:00 p.m. when we finished our conversation.

But Rob sat me down and told me about AO. I’m not dumb and completely non-observant, so I had already put some things together about AO. I knew Rob had driven a girl up to Ricks (now BYU-Idaho) and dropped her off. I knew that he had “a friend” that was a little more to him than a friend, just by how he spoke about her. And, though he doesn’t remember this, he received a package one day in his apartment and I asked him who it was from and he said, “A woman who wants me to marry her daughter.” I had figured out that this person he wanted to marry was AO.

So he pulls out AO on me. He says she’s really spiritual and they have great talks and that she makes him want to be a better person. But, apparently, I don’t. I knew enough at this point that I knew he didn’t have a lot of fun around AO. He often would ask me if I really thought he was funny. Yes, of course, why don’t you believe me? Well, AO, … Right. I get it. So I just said, in essence, “Okay, maybe I’m not a spiritual giant, but we have so much fun together, and when you’re around me, you’re happy. What about that?” And he said he didn’t know. We were both different girls, but he loved both of us. And there he said it. Stole my punch line. He loved me but also loved AO.

And then he has the nerve to say, “So how do you feel about me?” What?! I told him I was not about to declare how I felt about him with him sitting on the fence like that. I told him I wasn’t happy about all this and would need to think about it all. And I told him he couldn’t love two women, he had to pick one or the other. He understood.

What a jerk! I was so upset. I went home and ate almost a whole half gallon of ice cream. My roommate, Cathy, came out and talked to me cause she could tell I was upset. I told her about Rob and what he had told me and I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t get ahold of my mom on the phone. … I had been calling my mom for a few weeks now, telling her about Rob and my feelings for him and wanting to be in his life and what advice does she have for me. The whole time Mom had been trying to give it to me easy. You know: Maybe he’s just in your life to be a good friend and then you’ll move on. I would respond with something like, “If I don’t marry Rob, I won’t ever get married. How can you see the best and marry for second?” So Cathy comforted me and suggested maybe I should ask for a blessing from a friend in the ward.

What a great idea! So who to ask? I almost called up Rob. No, bad plan. How about Dave? No, he’s the roommate, can’t do that. So I called up my next closest friend, Kurt. I had no romantic feelings for Kurt and sensed he had some deeper issues than I wanted to deal with. But I loved playing ping-pong with him (yes, he’s the same Kurt from that first night of ping-pong) and he was pretty good. We talked sometimes for a while, but I knew he and I were going nowhere. So I called him. By now it’s almost midnight and curfew in the building is midnight. Sometimes, though, breaking the rules for something like a blessing isn’t a bad thing.

So Kurt gave me a blessing. He asked what it was about and I told him I didn’t want to really tell him. So guided only by the Spirit he gave me a blessing and I was touched by it. In the blessing I was told I would be prepared for whatever answer was coming to me. I was also told that although I couldn’t get ahold of my mom, I would be able to pray and reach Heavenly Father. Now how could Kurt have known any of that? And it turned out to be true, all of it. I wasn’t able to get ahold of my mom for about a week, which was an eternity considering how often I’d been calling her. And I was also prepared for Rob’s answer, though I’m pretty sure now that I wouldn’t have been without the blessing to calm me and give me direction.

written Spring 2006

October 1, 2000 – Grandma D’s House for Dinner and a Phone Call

October 1, 2000 – Grandma D’s House for Dinner and a Phone Call

This was another weird night. Rob and I went to Grandma and Grandpa D’s house for dinner along with an old companion of Rob’s, Elder Bird. I don’t know his first name. But he was married or engaged, and his significant other was there, too. Anyways, the phone call was awkward. I was trying to be supportive of Rob, but I didn’t know him still quite that well and felt I was in the way. Besides, I don’t know German and the whole phone call was in German. I just knew that an old investigator was now having trouble. I also knew that this old investigator was half in love with Rob. Weird. So the phone call was weird and I half (well, maybe even more than half) wished I hadn’t been there for that part.

The other part about that night that was funny was Grandma D’s reaction to me. I wore my normal-for-the-time attire over to her house. I wore baggy pants and an old ratty sweatshirt (I loved those clothes and wore them well after they should have been thrown away), along with my Sambas covered in paint from my job at the golf course. A few days later it was reported to Rob’s mom that I wore combat boots over to Grandma D's house. This is still a running joke and my Dad likes to tease me about it. Not that I wouldn’t wear combat boots if I owned them, cause I would. But I didn’t own them.

Rob’s family was a little funny to me. They talked about everything, even about what the girl Rob was dating was wearing. By this point I think I had probably already talked to C, Rob's oldest sister. Rob one day said, “My sister wants to call you.” Why, I asked. “Just cause she wants to.” That’s weird. We weren’t engaged or anything. I remember it being weird that C called me, but she was pleasant enough to talk to. I remember telling her that it was obvious that Rob wanted to get married. She was like, “You think?!” I told Rob afterward that it seemed most people thought we were going to get married. Not that I objected to that, but it was so early in our relationship.

written Spring 2006

September 30, 2000 – Our First Kiss Again

September 30, 2000 – Our First Kiss Again

I sent Rob a few e-mails during the week because I missed him and didn’t quite feel like I could initiate contact. We were starting over, right? So I sent him a few e-mails and talked about his concert on Friday night. I had gone to a corn maze with my family and really wanted to see Rob but it was late. So I e-mailed him. I think I ended up hanging out in the parking lot Friday night the 29th until he showed up, just so I could see him. He replied to those e-mails and made me laugh cause he always makes me laugh.

Saturday Rob went on his blind date with the girl Aunt Lisa set him up with. They went to a haunted house and I remember Rob saying it was a lame haunted house. I don’t know how he felt about the girl. He didn’t fall instantly in love with her, and that’s all I was hoping for: no “and Tamra, by the way, I met this girl” talks.

Rob: She was cute. When I showed up I sat around the house for awhile because she was busy doing somebody’s hair. I remember she made the comment that all of the guys that she dated got married shortly after she went on a date with them. I guess she was right. Tamra should be grateful I went on a date with her.

I don’t know how it came about, but after Rob got back from the date we walked around campus, talking. I don’t know if we were holding hands or not, but we were talking. I remember walking all over campus and thinking how secure I felt walking next to someone like Rob. JH was far from a big man, and I had a friend who always told me that if someone jumped us, JH would run away. I had no doubts that Rob would protect me and I felt very safe. My friend, Jed, later described Rob as “a real man.”

We walked and took a look at some of the artwork on campus and then sat on the benches outside the Joseph Smith Memorial Building (I think). And I don’t know how this conversation went, but I remember Rob’s excitement and energy as he told me that now there seemed to be that foundation for our relationship that he was looking for. He didn’t describe it any more than that and I didn’t question it. But somehow, this time it felt a little better. And Rob kissed me again. We kissed a little on the bench, facing each other, and hugged a little. I remember someone walked by and said, “Get a room.” It almost made me laugh.

I walked away that night again on clouds. I remember feeling like okay, here we go. He’s now just “approved” our relationship.

Since that time Rob and I have talked about what happened that week that made it so different feeling from one Saturday to the next. We’ve identified a few things within ourselves. First, we both had other people in the back of our minds. I had JH hanging on back there. But between Tuesday and Saturday I basically decided to put him out of my mind and let whatever happened between Rob and I happen and not think about JH. I didn’t write him off or anything, but I consciously decided to let him go. And Rob at this point hadn’t spoken much of AO, but I knew there was another girl. And he decided also to give us a shot. Plus, he had his magical moment while sweeping the floors on Wednesday of that week, and that gave him a lot of the foundation he’d been looking for.

Rob: My moment sweeping the floors was fantastic. So, I had an early morning janitorial job. I cleaned up after art students from 5 am to 8 am every morning. On that Wednesday, I had the radio on as usual and I was just lost in my world of mops and brooms thinking about Tamra. As I was sweeping I was just filled with this love for her. I realized how comfortable I was around her. I could be myself around her. She laughed at me when I was trying to be funny. I came to the realization that it didn’t matter if anybody else disapproved of my relationship, I approved of it. I cared for Tamra and liked being with her. I could be Robert Thacker and she loved me for that. That made me happy.

written Spring 2006

September 26, 2000 – Let’s Start Over Talk

September 26, 2000 – Let’s Start Over Talk

So we’ve had our we should date other people talk and I thought that was the end of it. We’re on our way to devotional together, holding hands, when Rob says we need to talk. I’m thinking, okay, didn’t we just talk? But I’m wanting to talk, too, cause Saturday was just a weird day. Rob proceeds to tell me over the next hour that he isn’t sure how he feels about me and he wants to start over. This should mean no kissing, holding hands, etc. He just doesn’t feel like there’s a base for our relationship and wants to feel that there is before we go any further.

Rob: I admit this set back being mostly my insecurity with how I felt about Tamra. I needed to be comfortable with our relationship in public. I also needed to figure out if these other girls I have previously mentioned were really going to be a part of me. I was divided and didn’t feel that our relationship should continue until I had come to terms with a few things.

Well now I’m pretty mad. How many guys had I kissed in my lifetime to that point? Two. How many people, guys or girls, have I even let close to me? Not many more. So when he says that he kissed me but isn’t sure how he feels about me, I’m pretty bugged. Cause I had been in the past a really slow mover. I dated JH and EW both for quite a while before even thinking about kissing. I spent a lot of time thinking about liking them before dating them. And here’s this guy that full-speeded us into kissing only to tell me four days later that he isn’t sure how he feels about me. Yeah. I’m mad.

So off I go. I wander around campus. I go to the WILK and buy a BYU chocolate milk shake (they’re SO good) and probably one of their brownies as well (also SO good). I go and say mean things about Rob in my head and I write a poem to let off some steam. The poem is about the stupid men in my life, and the list now includes Rob.

And then I feel better (chocolate milk shakes will do that) and I feel that I should go apologize. I write Rob a note, then buy him a German-English Dictionary at the BYU Bookstore (it’s like $30) cause he had told me earlier than he wanted/needed one. It’s a nice one. I find him back at his apartment and present him with the note, the dictionary and the receipt in case he needs to return it, and an apology. I told him it was fine to go back and start over and he could now dictate the pace and that would be fine. I wouldn’t be initiating so many things. (Well, I probably didn’t say that much out loud to him, but that’s what I was thinking my new plan was.) Come to find out that he already bought himself a German-English Dictionary. I felt a little dumb. He didn’t buy the kind I gave him cause it was more expensive, but it was the kind he wanted. So I was happy about that. Besides, it was a peace-offering. I wasn’t about to take it back. He could if he wanted, but he needed to know the peace-offering had been given.

written Spring 2006

September 24, 2000 – Let’s Date Other People Talk

September 24, 2000 – Let’s Date Other People Talk

Saturday had confused both of us. I liked Rob and he liked me, this much we knew, but the whole day had just felt weird. Rob and I both felt it. So Rob sat down with me in the Broadbent Hall lobby couch and said he thought we should date other people. I told him that was fine with me. He had a date that coming Saturday and I told him that it was fine if he went. It seemed weird to me that he was even having this conversation with me because we weren’t exclusively dating. Well, we were spending a ton of time together, but we didn’t have a “relationship” yet. But here I am giving him permission to date other people. Weird.

written Spring 2006